Paying to go to parties

[ardcarp]

Is this a new trend? Last year (grown-up) children arranged a 40th wedding anniversary 'party' at a restaurant for their parents, our friends. What the invitation didn't mention was that Mrs A. and I had to pay for the set meal, plus wine, and there wasn't even an introductory free glass of something. Now I'm not a stingy person, but I always thought the people doing the inviting picked up the tab. Certainly whenever we invite people to a party, it's on us.. This has always been, AFAIK, the way of things.

Now it seems to have spread to a younger generation. Our 15-year-old grand-daughter has been invited to a friend's birthday do, which consists of going to the cinema followed by going out for a meal. But she (our g-daughter) has to pay for it...or to be more exact, we do!

We have over the years given our children parties or outings for birthdays and other special occasions. It has always been a pleasurable duty to pay for everyone. What has changed? It seems very strange to me. Is there a new and different ethic involved in the practice of hospitality?

If parents can't afford to fork out for half a dozen tickets to Alton Towers or wherever, then it's pizza and ice-cream at home followed by a sleepover and cornflakes in the morning. The kids will have just as much fun.

[Dave2002]

I think the mistake might have been not explaining the situation on the invitation. We have had the opposite, where some friends invited vast hoards out for a meal in an expensive venue. We haven't really had an opportunity to either return the favour in the same way, or invite them round with a few others to at least give them an affordable (to us) evening out.

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

It's indicative an expectation that people will gratify your every wish. Rather like wedding present lists. It isn't a very new trend, but it appears to be getting out of hand.

[Old Grumpy]

Very cheeky. I tend not to go to parties anyway - so not a problem!

Old Grumpy

[Flay]

What has changed?

Probably it's the costs that have changed. I don't think you are being totally reasonable. The meal out you describe would be a good fifty quid per person, so to pay for the lot would be a tall order. I would never expect to go out for a meal and not offer to pay my way.

Mind you I'm surprised the parents of the 15-year-old are not contributing something, if only for the cost of the cinema.

A dinner party at home would be a different matter - we would cater and provide all the drinks. Those invited will always bring a bottle or two, and maybe some chocolates or flowers to show appreciation.

[ardcarp]

I still don't get it. If a group of friends, on holiday maybe, decide to eat out together and pay their own way that's fine, and normal. But if you invite people to a celebration (birthday, anniversary, whatever) surely you don't say, 'Oh by the way you're paying'? Will it spread to funerals next???

[Anna]

I still don't get it. If a group of friends, on holiday maybe, decide to eat out together and pay their own way that's fine, and normal. But if you invite people to a celebration (birthday, anniversary, whatever) surely you don't say, 'Oh by the way you're paying'? Will it spread to funerals next???

Ardcarp, could the answer lie in your first sentence? Last year (grown-up) children arranged a 40th wedding anniversary 'party' at a restaurant for their parents, our friends. What the invitation didn't mention was that Mrs A. and I had to pay The children wanted to do something but couldn't afford to foot the bill, hence guests paid? That's the only reason I can think of, but the invitation should have clearly stated the fact, it may have caused some financial embarrassment/hardship to some guests, particularly if it were a high-end restaurant. I've never heard of before, nor have I encountered children paying to attend friends' birthday parties!

[Flay]

It's not really a "party" if you are going to a restaurant for a meal. It would have been better if the invitation read: "we are going out for a meal to celebrate... Would you like to join us?"

That's what we do with our group of friends. It would usually either start or finish with drinks at the host's home.

But nobody would fund the lot (except my millionaire friend who took a group of us to Georges V in Paris for a weekend for his 65th! Mind you he only paid for the main dinner and the first night's accommodation. We had to pay for the second night and transport. He also fancied champagne in the Paddington Station bar which we ended up funding. A very costly weekend!)

[BBMmk2]

My father turned 95, last December and in honour of the occaisio0n my brother footed the bill for 45 members of our family for afternoon tea at one of the local posh hotels, in our are! My wife incidentally works there and with a staff discount of 50%, it still amounted to quite a big tab!!

[Beef Oven!]

Is this a new trend? Last year (grown-up) children arranged a 40th wedding anniversary 'party' at a restaurant for their parents, our friends. What the invitation didn't mention was that Mrs A. and I had to pay for the set meal, plus wine, and there wasn't even an introductory free glass of something. Now I'm not a stingy person, but I always thought the people doing the inviting picked up the tab. Certainly whenever we invite people to a party, it's on us.. This has always been, AFAIK, the way of things.

Now it seems to have spread to a younger generation. Our 15-year-old grand-daughter has been invited to a friend's birthday do, which consists of going to the cinema followed by going out for a meal. But she (our g-daughter) has to pay for it...or to be more exact, we do!

We have over the years given our children parties or outings for birthdays and other special occasions. It has always been a pleasurable duty to pay for everyone. What has changed? It seems very strange to me. Is there a new and different ethic involved in the practice of hospitality?

If parents can't afford to fork out for half a dozen tickets to Alton Towers or wherever, then it's pizza and ice-cream at home followed by a sleepover and cornflakes in the morning. The kids will have just as much fun.

I think it's wrong to arrange a party and bill your guests. But if people are mug enough to go along with it....?

Regarding children's parties, I like you, undertook the pleasurable duty to pay for everything. And I don't recall the other parents doing anything different. However, if people know that even if the parents of the guests refuse to pay, or can't pay, the grandparents will, then why won't they bill for the party? You might be contributing to this new, unwelcome social phenomenon!

[Anna]

Having thought about this. If a 15 year old wants to take half a dozen of her friends to the cinema and a meal to celebrate a birthday but the combined cost is beyond the parents' means - in a way it's no different from a group of friends going out for an evening and splitting the bill is it? As long as the invitation makes it very clear at the outset that it is not a freebie.
[edit] P.S. How much pocket money do 15 year olds get these days? Could your granddaughter not contribute some of the money herself rather than you paying it all?

[ardcarp]

How much pocket money do 15 year olds get these days?

I'm beginning to wish I hadn't started this! OK she gets £5 a week, and accumulates a bit at Christmas and birthday. This doesn't go very far. She would like a job, but with pending GCSEs plus a bit of music practice, this isn't easy to fit in. Anyway there's a whole lifetime of work ahead.

Nothing wrong with friends deciding to go out together (and cadging some extra money off grand-dad) but my point is I would not DREAM of asking her friends to pay to come to her birthday party or of asking my friends to pay to come to mine. It's the hospitality principle that's being violated . Hrmmph, Hrmmph.

(Don't get me started on'party bags'. )

[french frank]

FIVE POUNDS A WEEK?! I used to get sixpence. Well, half a crown, perhaps, when I was 15.

[Beef Oven!]

I used to get one 'n' six age 10 in 1970. Probably not far off the value of a fiver today?

Edit: Just looked it up. A shilling and sixpence in 1970 would be worth 98p in 2012 using the retail price index and £1.70 using average wages.

[Serial_Apologist]

Mum started my pocket money: threepence (old money) at age three. "How old will I be to get a Pound a week?" I asked. "Hmmm, let's see.... two hundred and forty years old!" she replied. "Ooh!" she said I said, "What a big boy!"