How to cook a turkey

[umslopogaas]

A friend of mine just produced this from somewhere. It seems a good idea to me.

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff turkey
Step 4 Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10 Glass yourself another pour of wine
Step 11 Bake the wine for 4 hours
Step 12 Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13 Tet the sable
Step 14 Grab another wottle of bine
Step 15 Turk the carvey!

[french frank]

We didn't have one last year - can't grumble, I s'pose, as I'm only a visitor. But I don't think duck or goose are good substitutes. I'd prefer a free-range chicken.

I'll probably get the bird if I suggest that

[umslopogaas]

Just follow the directions for cooking a turkey and a chicken will taste just as good. In fact, if you get to the end of the instructions without falling asleep, or insensible, you could probably enjoy a good helping of roasted doormat ...

Though personally, I find that increasing the take-in of olcohal depresses appletite. Certainly after the third bottle I have difficulty in finding the fridge. Its self limiting, really, which is probably why I'm still alive.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

I tend to start at Step 2, then think Step 3 and go to the pub.

[Beef Oven!]

A friend of mine just produced this from somewhere. It seems a good idea to me.

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1. Buy a turkey
Step 2. Have a glass of wine
Step 3. Stuff turkey
Step 4 Have a glass of wine
Step 5. Put turkey in oven
Step 6. Relax and have a glass of wine
Step 7. Turk the bastey
Step 8. Wine of glass another get
Step 9. Hunt for meat thermometer
Step 10 Glass yourself another pour of wine
Step 11 Bake the wine for 4 hours
Step 12 Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13 Tet the sable
Step 14 Grab another wottle of bine
Step 15 Turk the carvey!

I'd recommend cutting out all the odd-numbered shteps.

[umslopogaas]

But then you wont have a turkey ...

though of course, you will have a wase of gline ...

[Beef Oven!]

But then you wont have a turkey ...

though of course, you will have a wase of gline ...

A great excuse to run down to St Michaels and get something that they've prepared for us already!!

And pick up another bottle of plonk!!!!

[Anna]

We didn't have one last year - can't grumble, I s'pose, as I'm only a visitor. But I don't think duck or goose are good substitutes. I'd prefer a free-range chicken.
I'll probably get the bird if I suggest that

When we were young our grandmother used to visit her brothers/nieces/nephews ranging from Cardiff to the wilds of the Upper Rhondda just prior to Christmas and would return with what we were told was a Capon. However, as caponising is illegal I'm not sure if it was a genuine one or just a mega-large chicken. Anyway, it was large enough to feed 8-10 and exceptionally flavoursome and meaty and genuinely free-range and fresh. (Occasionally she returned with a goose, which I recall was ok but a bit greasy) So I'm with frenchie, a good chicken always beats a turkey imo.

As there were no leftovers hanging on for weeks we always had another roast on Boxing Day which was usually pork.

[jean]

Caponsing is illegal now, but it probably wasn't when you were young.

However, with these instructions you can caponise your own.

[Serial_Apologist]

Bewing a jazzer I thought this thread title was some sort of euphemism.

[Don Petter]

Bewing a jazzer I thought this thread title was some sort of euphemism.

Well, I'm pretty sure 'bewing a jazzer' must be.

[Nick Armstrong]

I tend to start at Step 2, then think Step 3 and go to the pub.

I'd recommend cutting out all the odd-numbered shteps.

[Serial_Apologist]

Well, I'm pretty sure 'bewing a jazzer' must be.

Oh dear!!!

[Nick Armstrong]

I've never recognised the criticisms about 'dry turkey' or 'tasteless turkey' - my dad was in charge at home and (I think inspired by Clement Freud in the 60s - the phrase "a quick burst followed by a thoughtful sojourn" is at the back of my mind) used to prepare 'the bird' on the 24th during the evening, put it in the oven about 11pm for 20 minutes on a relatively high heat, then cover it tightly, reduce the heat to Mark 1 or something like that and let it slow-cook for 14 hours or so till taking it out to rest about 30 minutes before lunch. It was always tender, juicy, flavourful ...

...plus, on waking and getting up on Christmas morning, the house was already fragrant with the aroma

Mind you, as my grandmother used to comment, "the cat's been going mad all night"

[Richard Tarleton]

'dry turkey' or 'tasteless turkey'

This condition tends to apply to the catered version - where the bird is cooked, carved cold (for maximum no. of portions) and the slices reheated, having perhaps been revived with a drop of hot water, and slathered in gravy of dubious provenance. On these occasions ignore the turkey and pig out on the accoutrements

All that stuff on the William Tell thread prompted me to have a look at the menu in Rules....