Withering Insults

[amateur51]

S-A, I thought it was Winston Churchill, to whom a lot more witticisms are probably attributed than he ever actually produced. A lady spoke to him at a reception at which he had drunk as much as he usually did, and said, "Sir Winston, your p***s is sticking out." To which he replied, "No Madam, it is hanging out."

I heard a variation on this. In a gentleman's club, a member sees Churchill slumped asleep in his chair, with his flies open. Member is horrified to think of the Great Man so open to mockery, so he steps up to him & gently touches Churchill's shoulder, sufficient to waken him. "Excuse me Sir, but I thought that you should know that your flies are undone" says the Member. "Most kind, most thoughtful" says Churchill "But let me assure you that dead birds don't fall out of nests!"

[Veronika]

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University

(I have no idea if the attribution is correct - it's an urban legend in any case.)

[umslopogaas]

This isnt exactly an insult, but it is a withering riposte. Arnold Schoenberg, on being told by a defeated soloist that his violin concerto was so difficult it needed six fingers on each hand, said simply "I can wait."

[ardcarp]

Returning to Conservative politicians, Eric Pickles was described (on R4 only this week) as 'the face that lunched a thousand chips'.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Beethoven to another composer:

"I liked your opera very much. In fact, I'm thinking of setting it to Music."

[Tapiola]

This isnt exactly an insult, but it is a withering riposte. Arnold Schoenberg, on being told by a defeated soloist that his violin concerto was so difficult it needed six fingers on each hand, said simply "I can wait."

Richard Strauss to Schoenberg: [something along the lines of] "why do you compose music like that? You have talent. You don't need to."

[Serial_Apologist]

Richard Strauss to Hindemith: "How long did it take you to compose that?" (It might have been the one-act opera "Neues vom Tage" or "Cardillac"). Hindemith: "Two weeks!" Strauss: "Just as I thought".

[Op. XXXIX]

Richard Strauss upon hearing that Hans Pfitzner found composing extraordinarily difficult.

'Well then why does he bother?'

[Nick Armstrong]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Looking into it, one learns that this may in fact be a misattribution. Likewise it is sometimes attributed to John Wilkes in discussion with the Earl of Sandwich.

Wiki tells us that the true story does involve the Earl, but as follows:

In a famous exchange with the actor Samuel Foote, Sandwich declared, "Foote, I have often wondered what catastrophe would bring you to your end; but I think, that you must either die of the pox, or the halter."

"My lord", replied Foote instantaneously, "that will depend upon one of two contingencies: whether I embrace your lordship's mistress, or your lordship's principles."

Great answer, anyhow, whoever gave it

[Ferretfancy]

Re Eric Pickles, I'm reminded of the comment by one of Nicholas Soames's ex girl friends. She said that making love to him was like having a wardrobe falling on you with the key sticking out!

[Nick Armstrong]

Re Eric Pickles, I'm reminded of the comment by one of Nicholas Soames's ex girl friends. She said that making love to him was like having a wardrobe falling on you with the key sticking out!

It's a , that

[umslopogaas]

I expect everyone has heard this one, but just in case ...

Friend of orchestral musician: "Who was conducting this afternoon?"

Musician (I think he was principal clarinet in one of the big London orchestras): "I'm afraid I forgot to look."

[umslopogaas]

Tee hee! I'd forgotten that Chambers Music Quotations has a pretty well inexhaustible supply of musical invective. Here are two for a start, about Saint-Saens. If your compatriots can be this unkind, what must the Germans have said about him?

"Does no one care sufficiently for Saint-Saens to tell him he has written music enough? ..." Debussy

"Saint-Saens has informed a delighted public that since the war began he has composed music for the stage, an elegy, and a piece for trombone. If he'd been making shell-cases instead it might have been all the better for music." Ravel

[umslopogaas]

One more, I must do some gardening.

"Have you heard any Stockhausen?" Sir Thomas Beecham was asked. "No" he replied, "but I believe I have trodden in some."

[Tapiola]

If your compatriots can be this unkind...

"Put an Irishman on a spit and you can always get another Irishman to turn him" (GBS)

"An Irish homosexual is one who prefers women to drink" (Sean O'Faolain)