I havent posted a thread of my own before, so bear with me. I thought it would be fun to do a bit of deconstruction. We live in a deceitful age (has there ever been any other kind?) and you have to be able to read between the lines. My own experience of this was gained largely by grappling with the advertisments for classic motor cars.
Huh?
Bear with me, here's a selection of those oily deceptions (classic cars invariably exude oil from their engines, but that's nothing to what exudes from the vendors).
For a long time I used to … no, not go to bed early, this isn’t a Proustian reminiscence … run a classic car. I don’t know a satisfactory definition of ‘classic’ in this context, but the item was a 1950 Riley, fully restored at vast expense and much admired. I sold it some years ago and despite faint vapours of regret, have thought little of it since. However, while burrowing through some forgotten corner of my archives, I came across this.
Two typed pages entitled “Joe Spivv’s guide to reading classic car advertisements”
To interpret the small ads, in the back of magazines, posted by people trying to sell their cars, it is an essential skill for anyone who owns a classic car to know the language, so now, as the skies dim and the end of my life draws near, I will share that skill!
Hear now the voice of Joe Spivv, as he draws round his shivering body the sheepskin coat that warms him in the icy blasts that swirl round the second hand car lots on the Ballspond Road:
[his lips barely move as he mutters to a prospective buyer, ‘no tax guv, look at it, lovely motor, and no tax’]
Let Joe Spivv speak and reveal the truth. Some re-definitions follow.
In Afferbekical Lauder.
“All original tools”
The jack’s bust.
“Believed to be complete”
The rust is so advanced that some parts have vanished completely.
“Elegant”
Big.
“Emission control”
Most of the exhaust fumes leak out before they reach the tailpipe.
“Engine overhauled”
Engine steam-cleaned yesterday so no-one will notice the oil leaks.
“Eye catching”
Resprayed in ghastly two-tone clash.
“Faithful recreation”
Fake.
“Full MOT”
Half the price in eleven months time.
“Future classic”
Recent sales flop.
“Half price for quick sale”
I’ve been brought back to reality from the absurdly over-priced ticket I initially offered it on the market (but its still overpriced).
“Ill health forces sale”
Very serious exhaust leak.
“Immaculate”
Polished so you might not notice the rust bubbling through from underneath.
“Low mileage”
Less than the half million miles an average car of this age would have done if it hadn’t fallen to pieces twenty years ago.
“Magnificent”
Too big to park and the steering was designed by a seven foot giant with biceps that could have re-arranged the Himalayas.
“Many new parts”
There is more, I havent forgotten the rest of the alphabet, but let's give all-comers a go.
There are many other areas of deceipt to be revealed, I hope. Estate agents might be a fertile area for investigation, if the mould on my damp course is anything to go by.
Huh?
Bear with me, here's a selection of those oily deceptions (classic cars invariably exude oil from their engines, but that's nothing to what exudes from the vendors).
For a long time I used to … no, not go to bed early, this isn’t a Proustian reminiscence … run a classic car. I don’t know a satisfactory definition of ‘classic’ in this context, but the item was a 1950 Riley, fully restored at vast expense and much admired. I sold it some years ago and despite faint vapours of regret, have thought little of it since. However, while burrowing through some forgotten corner of my archives, I came across this.
Two typed pages entitled “Joe Spivv’s guide to reading classic car advertisements”
To interpret the small ads, in the back of magazines, posted by people trying to sell their cars, it is an essential skill for anyone who owns a classic car to know the language, so now, as the skies dim and the end of my life draws near, I will share that skill!
Hear now the voice of Joe Spivv, as he draws round his shivering body the sheepskin coat that warms him in the icy blasts that swirl round the second hand car lots on the Ballspond Road:
[his lips barely move as he mutters to a prospective buyer, ‘no tax guv, look at it, lovely motor, and no tax’]
Let Joe Spivv speak and reveal the truth. Some re-definitions follow.
In Afferbekical Lauder.
“All original tools”
The jack’s bust.
“Believed to be complete”
The rust is so advanced that some parts have vanished completely.
“Elegant”
Big.
“Emission control”
Most of the exhaust fumes leak out before they reach the tailpipe.
“Engine overhauled”
Engine steam-cleaned yesterday so no-one will notice the oil leaks.
“Eye catching”
Resprayed in ghastly two-tone clash.
“Faithful recreation”
Fake.
“Full MOT”
Half the price in eleven months time.
“Future classic”
Recent sales flop.
“Half price for quick sale”
I’ve been brought back to reality from the absurdly over-priced ticket I initially offered it on the market (but its still overpriced).
“Ill health forces sale”
Very serious exhaust leak.
“Immaculate”
Polished so you might not notice the rust bubbling through from underneath.
“Low mileage”
Less than the half million miles an average car of this age would have done if it hadn’t fallen to pieces twenty years ago.
“Magnificent”
Too big to park and the steering was designed by a seven foot giant with biceps that could have re-arranged the Himalayas.
“Many new parts”
There is more, I havent forgotten the rest of the alphabet, but let's give all-comers a go.
There are many other areas of deceipt to be revealed, I hope. Estate agents might be a fertile area for investigation, if the mould on my damp course is anything to go by.
Don't know diddly about classic cars..but I feel I know more about the pitfalls now.
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