Current favourite jokes

[LHC]

Richard Morrison's review (Times, 30/4/18) of Eugene Onegin (Scottish Opera at Theatre Royal, Glasgow:

"To have Onegin make his first entry, Mr Darcy-like, on a real horse was, in theory, a great idea. Unfortunately, the mighty black steed — displaying impeccable dramatic timing — waited until it reached centre stage, then opened its bowels and ejected what seemed like a tonne of steaming dung on the precise spot where Tatyana was about to write her love letter.

This spectacular eruption produced what must have been the biggest roar of laughter heard in Scotland since Ken Dodd played the Glasgow Empire".

Moved by the occasion? I believe Doddy held it in, though.

Peter Ustinov used to tell the story of the first time he took his children to see an opera - Aida at the Arena di Verona. Before the performance, he impressed on his children that opera was the pinnacle of high art and an extremely serious matter. Being an Arena di Verona performance, the triumph scene featured a myriad of exotic animals, who all emptied their bowels as one as soon as the Triumphal march started. Ustinov's son turned to him with a serious expression on his face and said "Daddy, can I laugh now".

[Serial_Apologist]

Peter Ustinov used to tell the story of the first time he took his children to see an opera - Aida at the Arena di Verona. Before the performance, he impressed on his children that opera was the pinnacle of high art and an extremely serious matter. Being an Arena di Verona performance, the triumph scene featured a myriad of exotic animals, who all emptied their bowels as one as soon as the Triumphal march started. Ustinov's son turned to him with a serious expression on his face and said "Daddy, can I laugh now".

My late father, who undoubtedly had Aspergers, used often to laugh loudly at the cinema at points during otherwise comedy movies when no one else was laughing, which was something of an embarrassment to Mum and me. He was often in the habit of saying, "Why is it that people are in such a hurry to leave when I'm in the middle of telling them something?"

[EdgeleyRob]

Someone said to me "if you were on a desert island and could only have one record,which would it be ?"
I said,"Long distance swimming."

[EdgeleyRob]

Or

I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of wine.
He’s a Bordeaux Collie.

[EdgeleyRob]

Or

A man broke into a church and threw domestos over the vicar.
He's been charged with bleach of the priest.

[Vox Humana]

Or

I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of wine.
He’s a Bordeaux Collie.

Any idea where I can get a Scotch Terrier?

[LMcD]

What do you call a Cabinet member who's not sold on the PM's ideas of a customs relationship?
A MaxFactory

[Serial_Apologist]

What do you call a Cabinet member who's not sold on the PM's ideas of a customs relationship?
A MaxFactory

Why did Elizabeth Arden?
Max Factor.

[LMcD]

Why did Elizabeth Arden?
Max Factor.

[Serial_Apologist]

"Brexit is the undefined being negotiated by the unprepared to get the unspecified for the uninformed"

Political Provocateur, on today's Left of Centre site.

[greenilex]

That would be hilarious if it wasn’t so deeply sad.

[Pulcinella]

That would be hilarious if it wasn’t so deeply sad.

Certainly no laughing matter as far as I'm concerned.

[Vox Humana]

That would be hilarious if it wasn’t so deeply sad.

True, though.

[Bryn]

"Brexit is the undefined being negotiated by the unprepared to get the unspecified for the uninformed"

Political Provocateur, on today's Left of Centre site.

Authored by a Zappa fan, one presumes. "Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read."

[greenilex]

The original quote was re foxhunting?