Current favourite jokes

[Padraig]

I'll check with Michelle!

Good idea! She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

[LMcD]

Good idea! She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

That's easy for you to say....I understand one of her sisters - Susie - is busy sewing shirts for soldiers, while her other sister - Molly - is busy in the kitchen coddling eggs.

[johncorrigan]

That's easy for you to say....I understand one of her sisters - Susie - is busy sewing shirts for soldiers, while her other sister - Molly - is busy in the kitchen coddling eggs.

.... and milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

[Stanfordian]

Not a joke as such but a radio item I found amusing:

Evidently according to a news report today diver Tom Daley is having hypnotherapy for a fear of clowns. One presenter on Talk Sport replied that clearly Tom Daley never goes anywhere without a clown at his side. Maybe Daley should stop going to circuses! Ha!

[ronidaho]

So this man says to me: "Do you believe in ghosts?"

I said, "Of course not, you silly Elizabethan sailor"

[greenilex]

This town is full of Elizabethan sailors all live alive oh

[Oldcrofter]

It's coulrophobia, fear of clowns - but not an official psychiatric term as far as I know (yet ?)

[Serial_Apologist]

It's coulrophobia, fear of clowns - but not an official psychiatric term as far as I know (yet ?)

So much clownery abounds everywhere one goes these days - from the President of the USA by way of belief system intransigence of the "I'm right whatever you or proven evidence say" type right through to present-day TV advertising - that any fears that are likely to become pretty much universal in the not-too-distant future (if not already) will be considered normal, and therefore not necessitating official psychiatric terminology.

[LMcD]

What do you get if you add 5Q to 5Q?
10Q
Don't mention it.

[EdgeleyRob]

James Bond is laid off work and is down at the job centre.
There are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond," replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye."

[Conchis]

The Pope has issued a decree that all Catholic priests should, in future, wear trunks while bathing or showering.

His Holiness feels it is wrong to look down on the unemployed.

[Serial_Apologist]

The Pope has issued a decree that all Catholic priests should, in future, wear trunks while bathing or showering.

His Holiness feels it is wrong to look down on the unemployed.

[Lento]

Richard Morrison's review (Times, 30/4/18) of Eugene Onegin (Scottish Opera at Theatre Royal, Glasgow:

"To have Onegin make his first entry, Mr Darcy-like, on a real horse was, in theory, a great idea. Unfortunately, the mighty black steed — displaying impeccable dramatic timing — waited until it reached centre stage, then opened its bowels and ejected what seemed like a tonne of steaming dung on the precise spot where Tatyana was about to write her love letter.

This spectacular eruption produced what must have been the biggest roar of laughter heard in Scotland since Ken Dodd played the Glasgow Empire".

Moved by the occasion? I believe Doddy held it in, though.

[Ferretfancy]

Richard Morrison's review (Times, 30/4/18) of Eugene Onegin (Scottish Opera at Theatre Royal, Glasgow:

"To have Onegin make his first entry, Mr Darcy-like, on a real horse was, in theory, a great idea. Unfortunately, the mighty black steed — displaying impeccable dramatic timing — waited until it reached centre stage, then opened its bowels and ejected what seemed like a tonne of steaming dung on the precise spot where Tatyana was about to write her love letter.

This spectacular eruption produced what must have been the biggest roar of laughter heard in Scotland since Ken Dodd played the Glasgow Empire".

Moved by the occasion? I believe Doddy held it in, though.

During a disastrous production of Aida that Beecham witnessed, on this occasion with an elephant on stage, Sir Thomas remarked --" Disgusting manners, but what a critic!"

[Triforium]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean to say your mother.