Current favourite jokes

[Richard Barrett]

A jaded old jazz drummer is fed up with people saying he's not a real musician. He goes to an instrument shop and says "This will show them. Give me that red trumpet and that accordion." The shop assistant says "you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay.”

[Serial_Apologist]

A jaded old jazz drummer is fed up with people saying he's not a real musician. He goes to an instrument shop and says "This will show them. Give me that red trumpet and that accordion." The shop assistant says "you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay.”

The shop assistant was known all around as Big Ena.

[johncorrigan]

A guy goes up to a doctor’s receptionist and says, “I’m here for my appointment.” The receptionist says, “Which doctor?” And the guy goes, “No, I think he’s just an ordinary GP.”

[Nick Armstrong]

A guy goes up to a doctor’s receptionist and says, “I’m here for my appointment.” The receptionist says, “Which doctor?” And the guy goes, “No, I think he’s just an ordinary GP.”

.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

Deep Pan.
Crisp and even.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

How long did it take the conductor to change the light bulb?

Nobody knows because no one was watching.

[Petrushka]

Heard about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 24 days!

[Dave2002]

A guy goes up to a doctor’s receptionist and says, “I’m here for my appointment.” The receptionist says, “Which doctor?” And the guy goes, “No, I think he’s just an ordinary GP.”

I thought we were heading for a Doctor Who joke!

[Serial_Apologist]

I thought we were heading for a Doctor Who joke!

Until two years ago, I had a Dr Twaddle. Seriously, I tell you: it was no joke!

[LeMartinPecheur]

A woman told me she'd seen me at the Vegetarian Society, but I really couldn't recall seeing herbivore.

[Richard Barrett]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a Brexiteer."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know."
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Serial_Apologist]

Brilliant, Richard!

[ahinton]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a Brexiteer."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know."
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Wonderful! Is this your own joke or did you read or hear it somewhere?

[johncorrigan]

What's the difference between snot and a brussel sprout?

You have to force kids to eat a brussel sprout!

[Beef Oven!]

Brilliant, Richard!

C'mon - it's crap.!

Way below RB's usual standards on this thread. What you mean is, you love things that poke fun at those of us who voted leave.

[Nick Armstrong]

Back on a Yuletide theme:

There's been a big downturn in the sale of advent calendars this year.

I always said their days were numbered.