Current favourite jokes

[jean]

A bit late, but still:

[LeMartinPecheur]

A bit late, but still:

Very tasteful, tho' the pronunciation of their title needs some attention IMHO

[Richard Barrett]

We regret to inform you that Reginald Bloggs, the man who invented predictive text, has pissed away. His funfair is next Monkey.

[richardfinegold]

A Patient burst into my busy office without an appointment
"Help me doctor! I don't know what the problem is but every day I seem to be losing a bit of height!"
I replied that I was sorry but that he would have to be a Little Patient.

[Serial_Apologist]

A Patient burst into my busy office without an appointment
"Help me doctor! I don't know what the problem is but every day I seem to be losing a bit of height!"
I replied that I was sorry but that he would have to be a Little Patient.

That actually happened to me 3 years ago when I had a sebacious cyst removed from the top of my head, and lost half an inch in height!

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

That actually happened to me 3 years ago when I had a sebacious cyst removed from the top of my head, and lost half an inch in height!

Sounds like a character from Gormenghast!

[johncorrigan]

Sounds like a character from Gormenghast!

A wee Scottish 'Britain's got Talent' winner went into the Doctor's with a duck on her head. The Doctor said, 'Yes! what can I do for you?' ...and the duck replied, 'Can you please get this boyle off my arse?'

[Serial_Apologist]

Sounds like a character from Gormenghast!

Ah - no wonder, then, that all those women had been scared off!

[Serial_Apologist]

A wee Scottish 'Britain's got Talent' winner went into the Doctor's with a duck on her head. The Doctor said, 'Yes! what can I do for you?' ...and the duck replied, 'Can you please get this boyle off my arse?'

[LeMartinPecheur]

A circus couple apply to adopt a daughter. The adoption agency sends somebody to vet them.

"Ooh, what a marvellous caravan you have, so big, so clean, wonderful! How will you educate the girl?"

"Well, we'd obviously hire a qualified tutor and there are so many clever people speaking any number of languages in the circus, we can guarantee a full and rounded education."

"Excellent! And socialization?"

"She'd be meeting all the audience, and we'd have a nanny to take her anywhere she wants to go."

"That sounds absolutely wonderful! Now I don't think you've said what age you'd prefer?"

"Oh, we really don't mind at all...



...just so long as she fits in the cannon."

[johncorrigan]

I know it's dangerous to go there but:
How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

[MrGongGong]

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better"

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, One change the bulb & the other to hold the penis,I mean mother ,I mean ladder.

[johncorrigan]

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, One change the bulb & the other to hold the penis,I mean mother ,I mean ladder.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two...but I don't know how they got in there in the first place!

[Serial_Apologist]

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better"

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, One change the bulb & the other to hold the penis,I mean mother ,I mean ladder.

John Etheridge's version was "How many guitarists? One, and five others all saying "I could do it faster". Now, coming from John Etheridge...

[Serial_Apologist]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two...but I don't know how they got in there in the first place!

Shocking!