Current favourite jokes

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  • Beef Oven!
    Ex-member
    • Sep 2013
    • 18147

    Originally posted by johncorrigan View Post
    'Mummy, Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!'
    'Don't be silly son; it must be a duck with a hat on.'

    Comment

    • johncorrigan
      Full Member
      • Nov 2010
      • 10280

      How do you kill off a circus?
      Go for the juggler.

      Comment

      • Pianorak
        Full Member
        • Nov 2010
        • 3123

        What made Eve so happy living in Paradise? She didn't have a mother-in-law.
        My life, each morning when I dress, is four and twenty hours less. (J Richardson)

        Comment

        • Nick Armstrong
          Host
          • Nov 2010
          • 26446

          Here's one for you, Beefy! A birthday treat... (well, you've had a birthday recently, haven't you? within the last year, right?)


          Tried to sign up to a website the other day.

          I entered my password as "beef stew" but it said it wasn't stroganoff
          "...the isle is full of noises,
          Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
          Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
          Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."

          Comment

          • Beef Oven!
            Ex-member
            • Sep 2013
            • 18147

            Originally posted by Caliban View Post
            Here's one for you, Beefy! A birthday treat... (well, you've had a birthday recently, haven't you? within the last year, right?)


            Tried to sign up to a website the other day.

            I entered my password as "beef stew" but it said it wasn't stroganoff

            Comment

            • teamsaint
              Full Member
              • Nov 2010
              • 25175

              A man on his first skiing holiday heads off up the mountain on his own.
              At the top of the ski lift,he isn't quite sure what to to,so, skis securely fastened, he says to the first person he sees:

              " excuse me,I wonder if you could help me. i'm new to all this. When I ski down. do I zig Zag, or Zag Zig?"

              " Can't help you there mate", comes the reply. "I'm a tabogganist".

              "Oh well, "says our skier, " in that case, can I have 20 Bensons, and a Daily Mirror, please?"
              Last edited by teamsaint; 23-05-16, 23:03.
              I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own.

              I am not a number, I am a free man.

              Comment

              • Serial_Apologist
                Full Member
                • Dec 2010
                • 37324

                Originally posted by teamsaint View Post
                A man on his first skiing holiday heads off up the mountain on his own.
                At the top of the ski lift,he isn't quite sure what to to,so, skis securely fastened, he says to the first person he sees:

                " excuse me,I wonder if you could help me. i'm new to all this. When I ski down. do I zig Zag, or Zag Zig?"

                " Can't help you there mate", comes the reply. "I'm a tabogganist".

                "Oh well, "says our skier, " in that case, can I have 20 Bensons, and a Daily Mirror, please?"
                Not "You must be Bob's lay"?

                Comment

                • Flay
                  Full Member
                  • Mar 2007
                  • 5792

                  One day the god Thor decided he wanted to hang up his hammer and go down to Earth to experience human love. In no time at all he found a beautiful young lady and they hit it off straight away, making love all night. In the morning as they lay together in the afterglow, he realised that in his haste, he had not introduced himself.

                  "I," he declared, "am Thor!"

                  "Tho am I," she replied, "but wasn't it thuper?"
                  Pacta sunt servanda !!!

                  Comment

                  • Nick Armstrong
                    Host
                    • Nov 2010
                    • 26446

                    Originally posted by Flay View Post
                    One day the god Thor decided he wanted to hang up his hammer and go down to Earth to experience human love. In no time at all he found a beautiful young lady and they hit it off straight away, making love all night. In the morning as they lay together in the afterglow, he realised that in his haste, he had not introduced himself.

                    "I," he declared, "am Thor!"

                    "Tho am I," she replied, "but wasn't it thuper?"
                    One from the Doctor in the House "Big breaths" Collection, Dr Flay?
                    "...the isle is full of noises,
                    Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
                    Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
                    Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."

                    Comment

                    • Nick Armstrong
                      Host
                      • Nov 2010
                      • 26446

                      We've got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

                      Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark.
                      "...the isle is full of noises,
                      Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
                      Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
                      Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."

                      Comment

                      • alycidon
                        Full Member
                        • Feb 2013
                        • 459

                        [QUOTE=Flay;561317]One day the god Thor decided he wanted to hang up his hammer and go down to Earth to experience human love. In no time at all he found a beautiful young lady and they hit it off straight away, making love all night. In the morning as they lay together in the afterglow, he realised that in his haste, he had not introduced himself.

                        "I," he declared, "am Thor!"




                        Perhaps it came from the same source as

                        The Sun God Thor, went for a ride,
                        Upon his favourite filly
                        'I'm Thor' he cried
                        The beast replied
                        'You forgot your thaddle, thilly!'

                        "
                        Money can't buy you happiness............but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery - Spike Milligan

                        Comment

                        • Serial_Apologist
                          Full Member
                          • Dec 2010
                          • 37324

                          "Publicity condoms for the EU referendum: in or out, the answers you're looking for"

                          - TV chat show this morning.

                          Comment

                          • ahinton
                            Full Member
                            • Nov 2010
                            • 16122

                            Originally posted by Serial_Apologist View Post
                            "Publicity condoms for the EU referendum: in or out, the answers you're looking for"

                            - TV chat show this morning.
                            You frequently semen talking about that subject but none seems to come to a conclusion.

                            Comment

                            • Serial_Apologist
                              Full Member
                              • Dec 2010
                              • 37324

                              Originally posted by ahinton View Post
                              You frequently semen talking about that subject but none seems to come to a conclusion.
                              Everything is not always what it semes...

                              Comment

                              • Sir Velo
                                Full Member
                                • Oct 2012
                                • 3217

                                My doctor asked me if I had trouble passing water. I said I'd had a stroll along the canal this morning without a problem.

                                Comment

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