Current favourite jokes

[jean]

One is forced to the conclusion that ahinton, jean and Beef Oven! don't actually know any jokes.

I do! I do! But sometimes I think of pearls and swine.

Here is the best instrument joke I know (I've probably posted it on this thread before, but you've probably forgotten it).

[Serial_Apologist]

Since RT has mentioned the New Yorker's banjo jokes, I shall risk repeating this:

Q: what is the difference between the banjo and the ukulele?
A: the ukulele makes the more satisfying sound...when sat on.

I think it was Ronnie Scott (not John Cage) who gave a definition of silence as the sound a banjo makes if thrown down the toilet without hitting the sides.

[EdgeleyRob]

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

[EdgeleyRob]

I just crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.

My life is a joke.

[Beef Oven!]

I just crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb.

My life is a joke.

[vinteuil]

May I take this opportunity to say that your 'Last Supper' joke was one of the funniest jokes I've ever come across - I was even laughing out loud days later!

I've had a lot of fun with that one. Whoever thought it up is a genius.

...can't remember this one, nor trace it - could Richard let us have it one more time?

[Richard Barrett]

...can't remember this one, nor trace it - could Richard let us have it one more time?

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says, "Table for 26 please."
Maitre d' (looking past him at the entourage): "But sir, there are only thirteen of you."
"Yes, we're all going to sit on the same side."

[vinteuil]

... of course.

Quite brilliant - many thanks!

[ ... Of course they could always adopt the Andrea del Castagno placement - one at each end and Judas with a side all to himself - and get away with a table for 22. ]

[ahinton]

... of course.

Quite brilliant - many thanks!

[ ... Of course they could always adopt the Andrea del Castagno placement - one at each end and Judas with a side all to himself - and get away with a table for 22. ]

Do you suppose that the cover charge would have remained the same had that happened?

[Serial_Apologist]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to the cinema to see Gregory Peck.

[Nick Armstrong]

Jesus walks into a restaurant and says, "Table for 26 please."
Maitre d' (looking past him at the entourage): "But sir, there are only thirteen of you."
"Yes, we're all going to sit on the same side."

I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says.

I'm an eighth theist.

[johncorrigan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to the cinema to see Gregory Peck.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

[EdgeleyRob]

The duck was just about to cross the road when the chicken said "don't, you'll never hear the end of it".

[johncorrigan]

The duck was just about to cross the road when the chicken said "don't, you'll never hear the end of it".

'Mummy, Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!'
'Don't be silly son; it must be a duck with a hat on.'

[EdgeleyRob]

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."