Current favourite jokes

[Dave2002]

Probably an old one but new to me today:

Group of XXX drinking in a pub window. Suddenly one goes sprinting out of the pub and up the street. He comes back a good few minutes later and they ask him what he was doing.

"Oi just noticed some bhoys stealin' me car. So oi chased after dem and it'll all be foin now, cos oi got their registration number!"

Another is about the two fishermen, X and Y. They went fishing in a boat on a river and as it got late they thought about turning for home. However, just then they caught a couple of big fish which they thought would do for tea. They could see that there were quite a few more swiming around, X said to Y "This is a good spot, but we don't have time now. Shall we go and come back tomorrow?"
Y said "Yes, but hang on" and reached into his bag and pulled out a piece of chalk.
X: Hey - what are you doing?"
At this point Y leaned over the boat and put a chalk mark on it.
Y said "I'm just marking where we are so that we know where to come back tomorrow.

You can tell it how you like.

[alycidon]

Here's a cattle-related joke in the Scottish dialect.

There's a number of cows standing in a field. Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

Took me thirty seconds to get that one, mangers. I'm not terribly bright, as you must have realised.

[johncorrigan]

Here's a cattle-related joke in the Scottish dialect.

Or a fly one also in accent...three flies on a dustbin lid, which one's the doctor?
The thurd yin!

[Nick Armstrong]

Here's a cattle-related joke in the Scottish dialect.

There's a number of cows standing in a field. Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

One from further south, to be read in the West Riding accent of my grandparents:

In 'Uddersfield, in 'Uddersfield
There was a cow that wouldn't yield;
The reason why she wouldn't yield?
She didn't like 'er udders feel'd.

[mangerton]

Or a fly one also in accent...three flies on a dustbin lid, which one's the doctor?
The thurd yin!

[mangerton]

One from further south, to be read in the West Riding accent of my grandparents:

In 'Uddersfield, in 'Uddersfield
There was a cow that wouldn't yield;
The reason why she wouldn't yield?
She didn't like 'er udders feel'd.

[Ferretfancy]

Nice one!
of course, you couldn't possibly have known when you posted this, that Lord C Parkinson has died...
I must say that, although I never ever agreed with 'his politics', I admired his total unswerving devotion to his party and their agenda.

Not only did he hide his affair with Sarah Keys, but he refused to support the daughter of their union -not much unswerving devotion there .

[MrGongGong]

Not only did he hide his affair with Sarah Keys, but he refused to support the daughter of their union -not much unswerving devotion there .

I don't belive in heaven or hell BUT if i'm wrong I suspect he is currently having an interesting chat with Stalin and Pol Pot

[ahinton]

Not only did he hide his affair with Sarah Keys, but he refused to support the daughter of their union -not much unswerving devotion there .

Sara Keays, actually, but the spelling indeed makes not one scrap of difference to the sheer disgrace of his behaviour towards her and their daughter.

[ahinton]

I don't belive in heaven or hell BUT if i'm wrong I suspect he is currently having an interesting chat with Stalin and Pol Pot

Even they might not necessarily be "unswervingly" sympathetic towards his behaviour...

[EdgeleyRob]

What did mummy cow say to baby cow ?

It's pasture bedtime.

[ahinton]

Whoever said that was probably a bit 'arrogate, but it's York all, I suppose; much would presumably depend upon where it Leeds you to but, for the record, I'd Doncaster Wake in the field where that cow grazed...

[ahinton]

What did mummy cow say to baby cow ?

It's pasture bedtime.

Surely you cud do butter than that?!

[Serial_Apologist]

What did mummy cow say to baby cow ?

It's pasture bedtime.

Reminds me of Kenneth Williams' (iirc) joke about the rich woman who ordered a milk bath at the 5-star hotel where she was staying. "Would her ladyship require pasteurised?" asked the manager. "No, just up to my bosom".

[ahinton]

Reminds me of Kenneth Williams' (iirc) joke about the rich woman who ordered a milk bath at the 5-star hotel where she was staying. "Would her ladyship require pasteurised?" asked the manager. "No, just up to my bosom".

I'd forgotten that one! - and I think that you do indeed remember correctly...