Current favourite jokes

[ahinton]

Do you think someone's been telling porkies?

That might depend on whether those listening to what's being told could shoulder it. Does Obama have fire in his belly as portrayed above?

[Nick Armstrong]

[MrGongGong]

[Beef Oven!]

[MrGongGong]

[johncorrigan]

That's a good one, MrGG!

[Bryn]

Not perhaps intended to be rib-tickling, but just heard several times on the BBC News channel, "the Pope received a rapturous reception". Does not "rapture" have a particular meaning for many Americans?

[Serial_Apologist]

Not perhaps intended to be rib-tickling, but just heard several times on the BBC News channel, "the Pope received a rapturous reception". Does not "rapture" have a particular meaning for many Americans?

You might mean "rupture", Bryn. As in "Your rupture rise in it" (Bristolian dialect).

French frank will appreciate this.

[ahinton]

You might mean "rupture", Bryn. As in "Your rupture rise in it" (Bristolian dialect).

French frank will appreciate this.

Are you sure about that? (I cassn't imagine, for example, that she would ever utter what a Bristolian violinist once did in my earshot - albeit in in fairly obvious jest - his favourite music term pocol menol mossol)...

[Dave2002]

Lost me with 1343 and 1344!

[Flay]

A wife came home early one day and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

She was somewhat upset... "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband held up his hands: "Hang on just one minute so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

"Well," he began, "I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please ......... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[Eine Alpensinfonie]

[johncorrigan]

On the back of yesterday's sham oval ball world final, being as one of the teams shouldn't have been there, there were a couple of jokes going around. Needless to say I enjoyed this one.

A New Zealander is going to Australia and gets stopped by Border Protection and asked if he has a criminal conviction. The Kiwi says to them, 'I didn't know it was still an entry requirement!'

[Rolmill]

Apologies if this one has already appeared upthread, but I have just been sent it and it made me laugh:

An American stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking plate being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The American said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The following morning he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his plate, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]