Current favourite jokes

[Nick Armstrong]

Q/ What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A/ A flat miner

[Sir Velo]

Man at anger management clinic: "Sometimes I get so angry I just want to go out and do judo moves on fat people."

Therapist: "Calm down. There's no point throwing a wobbly."

[Nick Armstrong]

Man at anger management clinic: "Sometimes I get so angry I just want to go out and do judo moves on fat people."

Therapist: "Calm down. There's no point throwing a wobbly."

[gurnemanz]

A couple from Edinburgh Fringe:

My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. (Shazia Mirza)

I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. (Chris Turner)

[Serial_Apologist]

My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. (Shazia Mirza)

Shazia can be wonderful: "Why do Muslim wives always walk five paces behind their husbands? The view is better from there".

[Serial_Apologist]

Pope in unnanounced spectacle

Today the Pope visited a Rome optician to ckeck on new glasses, and brought out a few gay-looking pairs. Thousands of migrants with catholic tastes gathered outside shouting "Not camp! not camp!" When asked if he had been expecting His Mightiness the Pontiff, the shopkeeper stated that he'd had no eye dear.

[johncorrigan]

At the end of last month I was walking down the road and got hit in the eye by a cheese sandwich, and a fried egg landed on my head - strange. That evening a pork chop hit me on the back of the neck, a fillet steak hit me in the ear and sausage belted me on the nose - not sure what was going on during the day, but the night one was definitely a meatier shower.

[Serial_Apologist]

At the end of last month I was walking down the road and got hit in the eye by a cheese sandwich, and a fried egg landed on my head - strange. That evening a pork chop hit me on the back of the neck, a fillet steak hit me in the ear and sausage belted me on the nose - not sure what was going on during the day, but the night one was definitely a meatier shower.

No commet

[johncorrigan]

No commet

It was completely off the cuff, S_A! Honest! I didn't planet!

[richardfinegold]

Have you heard about the new doll called "Divorce Barbie"? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

[Serial_Apologist]

Have you heard about the new doll called "Divorce Barbie"? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

I thought you were going to write: "Unlike the original, she comes designed to stand on her own two feet"!

[richardfinegold]

In a Baptist Congregation down in the rural South, as the Preacher is doing his fire and brimstone sermon, a loud noise, flash of smoke and sulphuric aroma suddenly emanate from the podium. The smoke clears and reveals Mephistopheles, In full regalia, leering at the Parishoners. The preacher clutches his chest and dies of a Heart Attack and the Congregation panics, jumping over pews, breaking windows, trampling small children in a frantic effort to escape. The Devil sees one elderly man smiling seraphically in a pew.
"What's the matter? Are'nt you afraid of me?" He asks the old man.
The man just yawns and replies, "why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Flay]

A student was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university canteen.

He asked a young lady: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

She replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the canteen started staring him. He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the she walked quietly to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

He responded in a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

Everyone in the canteen looked up at her in shock.

He whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people."

[Serial_Apologist]

A student was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university canteen.

He asked a young lady: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

She replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the canteen started staring him. He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the she walked quietly to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

He responded in a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

Everyone in the canteen looked up at her in shock.

He whispered to her: "I study law and I know how to screw people."

That sounds too real to be a joke.

[ahinton]

That sounds too real to be a joke.

There's many a true word spoken in jest, as in?...