Originally posted by Caliban
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oh I like it! 
(Humus? humous??)
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Whoever thought that one up had a clever sense of humus.
(Humus? humous??) -
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Apologies for the repeat but:
Crime in multi story car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.
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I'm in two minds whether to say that tales about multi-storey car parks are just so much p**s and wind, but it seemed a little vulgar to post it. So I won't.Originally posted by johncorrigan View PostApologies for the repeat but:
Crime in multi story car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.Comment
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Just rang Sea World to book some tickets.
Before I got through I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"
They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.Comment
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"Comment
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An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."Comment
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One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".Originally posted by johncorrigan View PostApologies for the repeat but:
Crime in multi story car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv'... "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...
"Dunno", says God....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".Comment
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"The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?" "
Thankyou - not often I laugh out loud if I'm on my own!
Regards AntComment
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"An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll"
An elderly couple who had been childhood sweethearts, married and settled down in their own neighbourhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they went down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, and they took it home. £50,000! "We've got to give it back," says the husband. "Finders keepers," she says, and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
Two policemen going from door-to-door in the area looking for the money; they show up at the home of the childhood sweethearts. When the couple open the door, "Pardon me, but did either of you see any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No." The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," she says.
So the police sit the man down and start to question him: "Tell us the story from the beginning," says one. "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, one policeman looks at the other "We're wasting our time here, let's go..."
Regards AntComment
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I took my daughter to the zoo yesterday but they had only one animal in it. It was a shih Tzu.
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Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Oh no, not you two!""...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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