Current favourite jokes

[Nick Armstrong]

I popped into Tesco today, forced them to hand over all the baguettes, then legged it.

It was a French stick-up.

[Pabmusic]

Definitely not the current favourite joke, since it is Middle English:

"'What is the most cleanliest leaf among all other leaves? It is the holly leaf, for nobody will wipe his a**e with it."

No-one has yet worked out what the original a**e meant. (Spelt ers by the way.)

[Nick Armstrong]

[Nick Armstrong]

C, Eb & G walk into a bar
and the barman says "we don't serve minors"

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.
The barman says
"I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions.”

[johncorrigan]

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.
The barman says
"I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions.”

In the BMJ scientists have revealed that diahoerrea is a hereditary condition...seems it runs in your genes!

[Nick Armstrong]

...

I bought some lovely German Christmas cake yesterday, but it was stollen this morning.

[Serial_Apologist]

THis black guy goes into a hamburger bar in the Deep South
"Sorry kid", the barman says, "we don't serve negroes"
"That's okay, 'cos I don't eat 'em" replies the black guy.

[Flay]

When four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?"

....And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!

[LeMartinPecheur]

THis black guy goes into a hamburger bar in the Deep South...

It's after the Rangers-Celtic match in Glasgow and in a nearby pub a load of Rangers supporters and the landlord are recalling the match and swearing death to Celtic and its supporters.

Door of the pub opens and the doorway is filled by an enormous man bawling out "Do yu sai-airve Celtic sairppor'ers??"

Not only is he an absolute tank of a man, he's carrying a big crocodile!

The landlord looks to his regulars for support but they're all edging into the back corners of the bar, or heading to the gents, or straight out the back door. So he says "Aye, aye, we sairve Celtic supporters."

"GUID" says the man, "That's a pint of bitter for me...









...and a Celtic sairppor'er for ma crocodile!"

[EdgeleyRob]

My wife bought a sheepskin burka for the cold weather.

Now she looks like mutton dressed Islam.

[johncorrigan]

This Christmas my transvestite friend intends to eat, drink and be Mary!

[johncorrigan]

Heard it on Broadcasting House on Sunday...
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’
That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

[Ant]

Doctor: "Sorry, the problems with your leg are due to old age."
"That must be rubbish, doctor - the other leg is quite ok and it's the same age!"

Regards Ant

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

I had a difficult childhood - the other kids used to cover me in chocolate and cream and stick a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

[Serial_Apologist]

"I'll have a slice of your gattox", said the street urchin.
"It's pronounced gateau", the owner of the posh cake shop told him.
"Oh all right then", said the street urchin, "I'll have a slice of your gateau. How much is it?"
"Three pounds" said the cake shop proprietor.
"Three pounds? Three Pounds?" said the other. "What a load of bollow!"