Current favourite jokes

[clive heath]

..from a playground circa 1953.."The Lone Ranger not realising that Tonto had disguised himself as a door, shot his knob off"

will this do?

[Beef Oven!]

Shall we have some jokes about male genitalia now?

Man "Doctor, doctor, I feel the urge to stick my dick in a bacon-slicer"

Doctor "That's Dangerous, where do you work?"

Man "The deli counter in Sainsburys"

Doctor "That's very dangerous, take these pills and come and see me next Thursday"

Man rushes back to the doctor on Monday

Man "Doctor, those pills were useless, I've gone and done it!!!"

Doctor "How's your dick?"

Man "Fine?"

Doctor "How's the bacon slicer"

Man "He got the sack"

[Serial_Apologist]

Marxists have historically been ambivalent towards women's issues.

Quite true - in my case only the left one seems to work.

[Ant]

A man said to his wife one day
"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Regards Ant

[Despina dello Stagno]

One to hang on an upcoming anniversary:

"It was early Autumn in 1915 and the British offensive had virtually ground to a halt. Morale had taken a battering, and so Field Marshal Douglas Haig, 1st Earl Haig was at a field hospital not far behind the front line, cheering the troops with a personal visit. He approached the first bed, with the ranker standing to attention beside it.
""Very well, my fine young man. And what you in here for?"" ""Piles, sah!"" ""And how are they treating you?"" ""Wire brush and Dettol, twice a day, sah!"" ""And what is your ambition?"" ""To get well, and to have another crack at the Boche, sah!"". Moving on to the next bed:
""Very well, my fine young man. And what you in here for?"" ""Gonorrhoea, sah!"" ""And how are they treating you?"" ""Wire brush and Dettol, twice a day, sah!"" ""And what is your ambition?"" ""To get well, and to have another crack at the Boche, sah!"". Moving on to the next bed:
""Very well, my fine young man. And what you in here for?"" ""Tonsilitis, sah!"" ""And how are they treating you?"" ""Wire brush and Dettol, twice a day, sah!"" ""And what is your ambition?"" ""To get to the brush before the other chaps, Sah""."

[Ant]

The Queen Mother on a hospital visit, asks a patient what is his problem, tells her it's ulcers on his scrotum or thereabouts. Afterwards he's severely rebuked by Matron for the specific personal details. A few weeks later the Queen visits, he says he has ulcers on his ankles, the Queen is very sympathetic and says her mother will be sorry to hear that his trouble is spreading...

Regards Ant

[Petrushka]

Shall we have some jokes about male genitalia now?

Heard on a London bus:

'Is this Cockfosters?'

'I've no idea whose it is, Madam'

[Ant]

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

Regards Ant

[Ferretfancy]

The Queen Mother on a hospital visit, asks a patient what is his problem, tells her it's ulcers on his scrotum or thereabouts. Afterwards he's severely rebuked by Matron for the specific personal details. A few weeks later the Queen visits, he says he has ulcers on his ankles, the Queen is very sympathetic and says her mother will be sorry to hear that his trouble is spreading...

Regards Ant

Then again, the Queen and a visiting President were riding in an open coach to the Palace for his state visit. As they processed down the Mall one of the horses disgraced itself very loudly. The queen was very embarrassed--- " I'm so sorry Mr President! " "That's alright Your Majesty, I thought it was the horse! '

[Nick Armstrong]

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

A sad day for me. My pet mouse, Elvis died.

He was caught in a trap.

[Beef Oven!]

A sad day for me. My pet mouse, Elvis died.

He was caught in a trap.

[Ant]

Then there was the song and dance man who put on his happy face, pulled on his fancy pants, buttoned his overcoat and zippered his doo-dah...

Regards Ant

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Just in case anyone missed I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue:

Prison today is just like a Holiday Camp. Full of entertainers from the '70s.

[Beef Oven!]

Just in case anyone missed I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue:

Prison today is just like a Holiday Camp. Full of entertainers from the '70s.

You seem to be on a winning streak on the jokes front, lately!