Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

No; that's what American & Canadian tourists call them!

Which reminds me of a story during WW2 my father told me. Travelling by train from Swansea to Paddington, an American GI in the compartment had been regaling the other passengers with comments such as, "I sure love your little villages over here, like Bristol. Back home we have real mountains like the Rockies, and real cities with skyscrapers". Five minutes into the Severn Tunnel, he turned to the man next to him and asked, "Is this a mountain we're going under?", to which the other replied, "No, just one of our streams".

[umslopogaas]

Apologies if we've already had this one, I cant face checking 107 pages.

American farmer visits English relative in darkest Loamshire. "Gee, this aint much of a farm, why on my farm back west it would take you three days to drive round the boundary fence."

"Yes" replied the relative, "I once had an old car like that."

[Serial_Apologist]

Apologies if we've already had this one, I cant face checking 107 pages.

American farmer visits English relative in darkest Loamshire. "Gee, this aint much of a farm, why on my farm back west it would take you three days to drive round the boundary fence."

"Yes" replied the relative, "I once had an old car like that."

[Flay]

A young Glaswegian lad takes his new girlfriend home to meet the family.

The dad looks up and says "Who is this lovely young lady?"

Boy says "It’s Amanda."

The dad jumps up and shouts "It’s a f.....g what?"

[amateur51]

Apologies if we've already had this one, I cant face checking 107 pages.

American farmer visits English relative in darkest Loamshire. "Gee, this aint much of a farm, why on my farm back west it would take you three days to drive round the boundary fence."

"Yes" replied the relative, "I once had an old car like that."

Genuinely funny!

Bliss!

[umslopogaas]

Again, apologies if we've already had these (if we have, it might have been me who posted them), but here are a few gems from Mae West, the queen of innuendo.

"My word Tex, you're a big guy. How tall are you?"
"I''m six feet eight inches maam."
"Well ... never mind the six feet, let's talk about those eight inches!"

"Its not the men in my life that matter, its the life in my men."

And of course "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

She once starred with W.C. Fields in "My Little Chickadee" which I havent seen. It ought to be one of the funniest films ever made, but apparently it isnt as funny as it should be, because the screen simply isnt big enough for both of them. Here's a Fields quip, not sure where its from:

"Mr Fields, if you dont cut back on your drinking you are going to drown in whisky."
"Drown in whisky? Oh death, where is thy sting?"

[Ferretfancy]

Again, apologies if we've already had these (if we have, it might have been me who posted them), but here are a few gems from Mae West, the queen of innuendo.

"My word Tex, you're a big guy. How tall are you?"
"I''m six feet eight inches maam."
"Well ... never mind the six feet, let's talk about those eight inches!"

"Its not the men in my life that matter, its the life in my men."

And of course "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

She once starred with W.C. Fields in "My Little Chickadee" which I havent seen. It ought to be one of the funniest films ever made, but apparently it isnt as funny as it should be, because the screen simply isnt big enough for both of them. Here's a Fields quip, not sure where its from:

"Mr Fields, if you dont cut back on your drinking you are going to drown in whisky."
"Drown in whisky? Oh death, where is thy sting?"

WC Fields playing poker was asked " Is this a game of chance ?" "Not the way I play it! "

[LeMartinPecheur]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were the Hovis Witnesses.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.



Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.



A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...



Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!



An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!



Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?



Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

AND..........

Getting Married
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[Flosshilde]

She once starred with W.C. Fields in "My Little Chickadee" which I havent seen. It ought to be one of the funniest films ever made, but apparently it isnt as funny as it should be, because the screen simply isnt big enough for both of them.

This film has an exchange between Mr Fields & Miss West -

She show him her diamond ring; he exclaims at the size, saying 'Goodness'. Her response: " Goodness had nothing to do with it"

[umslopogaas]

Wonderful stuff! No indeed, I doubt Ms West would have known Goodness if She fell before her, prostrate or in any other position. Mae West would probably have thought Goodness was the position that came after Relief, which was probably what you did after Exertion, to relax the muscles after Contortion.

Hmm, maybe I'd better stop here or the controllers will make nervous gestures ...

[LeMartinPecheur]

An attractive waitress in a very short skirt says to a man in a restaurant,
"What would you like, sir?".

He looks at the menu but cannot help noticing her beautiful frame.

He answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you
like, sir?"

Again the man cannot help noticing her beauty and again answers, "A quickie,
please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the
face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "I think it's
pronounced 'quiche'."

[Serial_Apologist]

"Wearing a short skirt like that on a cold day like this, surely you must get chillblains between your legs?"

"No", she replied, "only chaps".

[jean]

Shall we have some jokes about male genitalia now?

[amateur51]

Shall we have some jokes about male genitalia now?

[Beef Oven!]

Shall we have some jokes about male genitalia now?

Marxists have historically been ambivalent towards women's issues.