Current favourite jokes

[pastoralguy]

****Might offend alert!!!!!****

Which reminds me....an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman are talking about their wives.

The Italian says: Before I make love to my wife I cover her in whipped cream and then I lick it all off. It drives her Wild!
The Frenchman says: When I'm making love with my wife I cover her body in rose petals, and then I gently blow them all off. It drives her Crazy!
The Scotsman says: After I make love with my wife I wipe my cock on the curtain. It drives her Mental!!!

(a Scotsman writes...)

[Flay]

I have just received an email from the local Community Urology and Bowel Health Service entitled "WE HAVE MOVED".

I am sure they feel relieved!

[Beef Oven!]

I have just received an email from the local Community Urology and Bowel Health Service entitled "WE HAVE MOVED".

I am sure they feel relieved!

Hope they have a good business continuity plan, sometimes things can slip between two stools.

[ahinton]

I have just received an email from the local Community Urology and Bowel Health Service entitled "WE HAVE MOVED".

I am sure they feel relieved!

The might not do so if they were forced to evacuate the premises concerned...

[Sir Velo]

I have just received an email from the local Community Urology and Bowel Health Service entitled "WE HAVE MOVED".

Was that a screen dump?

[ahinton]

Was that a screen dump?

I dunno, guv, but it's a shame that the email subject was too brief to include a colon...

[Beef Oven!]

I hate it when people accuse the Brits of being bogged (NPI) down in bottom/toilet humour. What is the basis for that stereotype?

[Pabmusic]

I hate it when people accuse the Brits of being bogged (NPI) down in bottom/toilet humour. What is the basis for that stereotype?

Ourselves? (Woo! that sounds like…!!!)

There's a catch by Purcell in which the various parts sing "our souls" so that the tune is accompanied by a continuing chorus of "our souls".

[Beef Oven!]

Ourselves? (Woo! that sounds like…!!!)

There's a catch by Purcell in which the various parts sing "our souls" so that the tune is accompanied by a continuing chorus of "our souls".

Oh dear, it has even gripped the most cerebral, among us. There's no hope!

[Flay]

I shouldn't make quips about poo. I have been punished.

I had just spent an age this morning cleaning a dollop of dog dirt from my good trainers (why do they have such fine and fancy treads?). I then popped out into the garden and straight away stood in a cat poo!

[Pabmusic]

Oh dear, it has even gripped the most cerebral, among us. There's no hope!

That's quite a compliment, Beefy, but don't turn a (reasonably) honest bum into a f---ing a---hole.

[Enough scatology - Ed.]

[Radio64]

Ourselves? (Woo! that sounds like…!!!)

There's a catch by Purcell in which the various parts sing "our souls" so that the tune is accompanied by a continuing chorus of "our souls".

I wanted to work that one out but couldn't be ar*ed .. .


Changing subject ...
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

[Beef Oven!]

I then popped out into the garden and straight away stood in a cat poo!

But why? Does it get the dog poo off, or is it for confusing predators?

[Sir Velo]

I shouldn't make quips about poo. I have been punished.

I had just spent an age this morning cleaning a dollop of dog dirt from my good trainers (why do they have such fine and fancy treads?). I then popped out into the garden and straight away stood in a cat poo!

All this euphemistic shillyshallying reminds me of the classic Dave Allen sketch. "Oh f@cking sh!t. I've trodden in some dog's do-do".

[ahinton]

Whatever become of this forum's usual standard of excrements?