Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

And people wonder why so few women post here?

Even fewer black, Asian and minority ethnic people post here, but there are no racist jokes. Maybe the connection you imply is spurious.

[LeMartinPecheur]

Even fewer black, Asian and minority ethnic people post here...

Do we actually know that? Or am I missing out on some pay-to-view option?

Come to that, I'm never too sure who's female. Took me a little time when I first joined to work out that French wasn't being entirely Frank about this

[Ant]

Hello all,

Am I alone, somewhat, in thinking that any subject can be a joke so long as it's funny? Obviously one would avoid cracking, say, funeral jokes to someone recently bereaved, as an example of when to be careful of one's audience, but on the face of it a joke thread is open house. If not, limits will be stated when one joins.

I'm reminded of the girl who gave up her boyfriend because he kept whistling dirty songs, dunno why!

Regards Ant, definitely WASP male!

[Ferretfancy]

That's like the one in which foreign reporters are being guided around the new Aeroflot.

"Here we have the first class", informs the steward, "and through here, second class".

"But I thought the Soviet Union was a classless society" says the man from the Morning Tsar.

"Yes, that's perfectly true" replies their guide, puffing out his chest with patriotic pride.

"But, first class... second class...?"

"Oh it's perfectly simple", explains the guide, "If they travel first class, they have to pay more".

That's similar to the one about Stalin, Kruschev and Brezhnev travelling on a long train journey when the engine grinds to a halt. After a long wait, Stalin leaves the carriage and returns a few minutes later. "We are on our way, I've just had the driver shot" Minutes pass and nothing happens, until Kruschev leaves the carriage, and on his return says " Don't worry, We'll soon be moving, I've just given the fireman the Order of Lenin'

Many minutes pass until Brezhnev says " I tell you what, let's draw down the window blinds and pretend the train is moving ! "

[EdgeleyRob]

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.

The manager couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Beef Oven!]

Do we actually know that? Or am I missing out on some pay-to-view option?:erm

We don't know that the sun will rise tomorrow, but if you want to get your cheque-book out and bet against it, I'll give you 1000-1.

[mangerton]

#929 above reminds me of a story I was not allowed to tell at my parents' Golden Wedding Anniversary celebration.

An old couple, sitting on either side of the fireplace, on their Golden Wedding Day.....

She gets up, picks up her walking stick, crosses to her husband, and hits him as hard as she can across the legs with her stick. She returns to her chair and sits down.

After a few minutes, her husband, tears in his eyes, asks, "Why did you do that?"

"That was for fifty years of bad sex." Silence reigns.

Several minutes later, he stands up, crosses the floor, hits his wife as hard as he can across the legs with his stick, and returns to his seat.

A few minutes later, wife asks, "What was that for?"

"That was for knowing the difference".

[Ant]

Hello all,

A pope once decreed that all Jews must leave Italy. In answer to the Jews' huge outcry the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the Chief Rabbi - if the Rabbi won, they could stay.

It would have to be a silent debate as the Pope spoke no Yiddish and the Rabbi no Italian.

On the day, the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi considered, then raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger round his head and the Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground where he sat.
Then the Pope produced a communion wafer and a chalice of wine whereupon the Rabbi brought out an apple.

With that the Pope shook the Rabbi's hand and pronounced him the winner of the debate. When his Cardinals asked him what was said, he said he'd held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The Rabbi had responded with one finger to point out that they shared the same God.
Then he'd waved his finger round his head to demonstrate that God was all around us; the Rabbi had pointed to the ground, showing that God was also right there with them.
Finally, the wafer and wine demonstrated Christ's ultimate sacrifice but he'd then been reminded of the original sin.

Meanwhile, at the synagogue, the Elders wanted to know what had transpired, how the Rabbi had won the debate; "I haven't a clue - first he said we had three days to leave so I gave him the finger."
"Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying."
"Finally, he took out his lunch so I followed suit!"

Regards Ant

[LeMartinPecheur]

Hello all,

A pope once decreed that all Jews must leave Italy. In answer to the Jews' huge outcry the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the Chief Rabbi - if the Rabbi won, they could stay.

It would have to be a silent debate as the Pope spoke no Yiddish and the Rabbi no Italian.

On the day, the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi considered, then raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger round his head and the Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground where he sat.
Then the Pope produced a communion wafer and a chalice of wine whereupon the Rabbi brought out an apple.

With that the Pope shook the Rabbi's hand and pronounced him the winner of the debate. When his Cardinals asked him what was said, he said he'd held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The Rabbi had responded with one finger to point out that they shared the same God.
Then he'd waved his finger round his head to demonstrate that God was all around us; the Rabbi had pointed to the ground, showing that God was also right there with them.
Finally, the wafer and wine demonstrated Christ's ultimate sacrifice but he'd then been reminded of the original sin.

Meanwhile, at the synagogue, the Elders wanted to know what had transpired, how the Rabbi had won the debate; "I haven't a clue - first he said we had three days to leave so I gave him the finger."
"Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying."
"Finally, he took out his lunch so I followed suit!"

Regards Ant

In my version the rabbi backs out because he's just a poor unlearned rabbi and leaves it to Moishe the village idiot.

[Ant]

Helloee,

"In my version the rabbi backs out because he's just a poor unlearned rabbi and leaves it to Moishe the village idiot."

I like that better - I shall change it in future- thankyou!

Regards Ant

[teamsaint]

warning, could potentially in a certain light be regarded as sexist:

i was told the secret of a happy marriage by an old chap recently.
Candle lit dinners, twice a week.

He goes tuesdays, his Mrs goes Thursdays.

[mangerton]

warning, could potentially in a certain light be regarded as sexist:

i was told the secret of a happy marriage by an old chap recently.
Candle lit dinners, twice a week.

He goes tuesdays, his Mrs goes Thursdays.

That's not sexist, surely.

It reminds me of the survey which asked people what they did after sex.

Apparently 10% had a cigarette, 10% went to sleep, and 80% got up and went home.

[teamsaint]

That's not sexist, surely.

It reminds me of the survey which asked people what they did after sex.

Apparently 10% had a cigarette, 10% went to sleep, and 80% got up and went home.

oh very good.

No I couldnt see a sexist angle to my contribution, but one must be wary......rules can change.....it was more of a Glasgow style "getting your retaliation in first".

which is probably racist.......no, definitely racist...
sorry.

[Ferretfancy]

That's not sexist, surely.

It reminds me of the survey which asked people what they did after sex.

Apparently 10% had a cigarette, 10% went to sleep, and 80% got up and went home.

A French woman, an American woman and an English woman took part in a survey. What was the first thing they said after sex?

The Frenchwoman said " Cherie! Cherie ! Magnifique! Encore ! Encore! "

The American woman said " Gee honey, that was swell! What did you say your name was ? "

The Englishwoman said " Do you feel better now, Charles ? "

[johncorrigan]

A French woman, an American woman and an English woman took part in a survey. What was the first thing they said after sex?

The Frenchwoman said " Cherie! Cherie ! Magnifique! Encore ! Encore! "

The American woman said " Gee honey, that was swell! What did you say your name was ? "

The Englishwoman said " Do you feel better now, Charles ? "

****Might offend alert!!!!!****

Which reminds me....an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman are talking about their wives.

The Italian says: Before I make love to my wife I cover her in whipped cream and then I lick it all off. It drives her Wild!
The Frenchman says: When I'm making love with my wife I cover her body in rose petals, and then I gently blow them all off. It drives her Crazy!
The Scotsman says: After I make love with my wife I wipe my cock on the curtain. It drives her Mental!!!