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"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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I recently won a two minute trolley dash around Waitrose.
When I'd finished, the staff told me I could have taken stuff off the shelves on my way round, but hey ho,I still had fun.Comment
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Joke from Communist Russia:
Man goes into a garage to buy a car. They haven't actually got any cars in stock but they show him a catalogue and he picks one out and pays for it. He asks when it'll be available.
"Two years' time, sir."
"Will you deliver it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Will that be morning or afternoon?"
"I'm sorry sir, we are talking two years ahead here."
"I need to know if it'll be morning or afternoon."
"Why do you need to know?"
"I've got a plumber booked to come that day too."I keep hitting the Escape key, but I'm still here!Comment
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I put this one up three years ago but it's worth repeating:
Another Soviet Union joke:
At the height of the Stalin terror years a man goes up to a newspaper seller buys a copy of Pravda looks at the front page and throws the paper in the bin. This goes on every day until the curious seller plucks up the courage to ask: 'Comrade, why do you buy the paper, look at the front page then throw it away?' The man replies: 'I'm looking at the obituaries.' 'But, Comrade,' retorts the seller, 'the obituaries are not on the front page.' 'Believe me', says the man, 'the obituary I'm looking for will be on the front page!'"The sound is the handwriting of the conductor" - Bernard HaitinkComment
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Forgive me if you've heard this before, but discovering Calib's list of 'attorney' jokes reminded me of this.
Mickey Mouse is in the courtroom.. The judge leans forward and interrupts, "But Mickey, I don't regard the fact that Minnie has prominent teeth constitutes adequate grounds for divorce". Mickey replies, "I didn't say she had prominent teeth, your Honour, I said she was f***ing Goofy".Comment
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Originally posted by LeMartinPecheur View Post
That's like the one in which foreign reporters are being guided around the new Aeroflot.
"Here we have the first class", informs the steward, "and through here, second class".
"But I thought the Soviet Union was a classless society" says the man from the Morning Tsar.
"Yes, that's perfectly true" replies their guide, puffing out his chest with patriotic pride.
"But, first class... second class...?"
"Oh it's perfectly simple", explains the guide, "If they travel first class, they have to pay more".Comment
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired horn player in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: a chair, a whip and a gun.
Who wants to try first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the horn player and asks, "Can you top that?"
The horn player replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."Pacta sunt servanda !!!Comment
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"The sound is the handwriting of the conductor" - Bernard HaitinkComment
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...which reminds me of the guy who walked into a country pub and the owner's dog was in front of the fire with one leg up and licking a certain part of its anatomy. The guy said jokingly to the barman, "I wish I could do that". The barman replied, "Give him a biscuit and he'll let you."Comment
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"My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix - that's why he's never worked."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
"Me and my wife met at a castanet class. We clicked."
"My husband said he needed more space… so I locked him outside."
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."
"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
"I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much."
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery."
There's a quiz in today's Grauniad to guess whose jokes these were:
"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who lay awake wondering if there is a dog.I have a medical condition- I am fool intolerant.Comment
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"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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Reporter to old man: "And you've been happily married for 75 years, that's wonderful. What did you do for your honeymoon?"
Old man: "I took my wife to Italy"
Reporter: "what will you do for your 75th anniversary?"
Old man: "I think I may go and bring her back"I have a medical condition- I am fool intolerant.Comment
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And people wonder why so few women post here?Comment
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