Current favourite jokes

[MrGongGong]

Q. How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Dunno - but they always rage against the dying of the light.

[LeMartinPecheur]

Q. How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Dunno - but they always rage against the dying of the light.

Same poet got pretty hacked off when a bulb blew on his dark cellar stairs:

"Light breaks where no sun shines..."

[Hornspieler]

HS - I don't know if you are Welsh, but your post prompted me to look up the details of another Welsh horn player - Ifor James. I found the following in this page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ifor_James:

"He was known among his students for sending them on curious errands such as paying hotel bills. He also had a puckish sense of humour. One former student recalls an incident where the two of them were at traffic lights in James' open-topped Morris Minor when a pretty girl walked alongside. James encouraged the younger man to "pinch her bottom as the lights go green, and I'll drive off". Needless to say when the young man did as bidden, James stayed put and turned to grin at the girl.

Welsh to the core, he famously averred that he only played the horn because he could not sing."

Wouldn't get away with that sort of behaviour in these politically correct days I think.

Lovely story and typical of my old soulmate.

We were comitted friends as soon as he arrived at the Royal Academy of Music and we remained so until his sad death.
Every year, wherever we may have been working, we met in London, tried out all the horns in Paxman's Horn Centre (in Soho at that time) and then lunched in one of the many Chinese restaurants which abounded in Gerrard Street and beyond.

Formerly a cornet player member of the famous "Bessie's of the Barn' brass band, he took to horn playing like a duck to water, with his acquired cornet playing technique giving him amazing facility.
He was the son of that splendid soprano Ena Mitchell. I still miss his japes and his wonderful impersonations of Sir John Barbirolli, which once had George Hurst laughing so much in the Green Room that he was almost unable to go on stage to conduct the second half of a concert.
HS

[LeMartinPecheur]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.

Can you believe that: 2:30am?!?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes...

[Nick Armstrong]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.

Can you believe that: 2:30am?!?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes...

It's an oldie but a goodie!

[Nick Armstrong]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Courts":



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I generally just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

[kernelbogey]

I absolutely love the last one, Calibs, and hope it's really true!

[mangerton]

Brilliant. This has very much brightened up my Monday evening at work.

[Nick Armstrong]

Brilliant. This has very much brightened up my Monday evening at work.

[Dave2002]

It's brightened up my evening too - though I'm not working!

[EdgeleyRob]

Mine too,brilliant !

[amateur51]

Mine too,brilliant !

It brought on an asthma attack, from which I have now recovered - totally hootworthy

[EdgeleyRob]

"You won't like me when I'm angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

[EdgeleyRob]

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.
I'm living on borrowed thyme.

[Nick Armstrong]

It brought on an asthma attack, from which I have now recovered - totally hootworthy

Thank the lord for that!

Glad folk found them as titter-worthy as I did!