Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Barry Cryer on BBC R4's 'Broadcasting House' this morning:
A woman's passing a pet shop and a parrot in the window says, 'Ya Fat Cow!' to her. Infuriated she goes in and confronts the owner.
'That parrot in your window just called me a fat cow. What're you going to do about it?'
The pet shop takes the parrot by the neck and says, 'You better behave yourself. Any repeat of this and I'm going to selotape your beak shut!'

Two hours later the woman walks past the pet shop again. The parrot looks at her and says, 'You know what I'm thinkin'!'

[jean]

[pastoralguy]

Fantastic! Must print and pin this up at work.

[jean]

I love it. It's from Private Eye many years ago - if I were less technically inept I could have scanned it, but fortunately someone else did it for me.

[pastoralguy]

Mrs. PG just told me this...

A very well to do woman walks into Harrods and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. As she bends down to get a better look she has an unexpected attack of flatulence. She looks around to see if anyone has noticed her indiscretion and is horrified to see a tall, very good looking assistant standing behind her.

"May I be of assistance, Madam"? asks the assistant. Deciding to brazen it out, she asks how much the bracelet is. "Madam", replies the salesman. "If looking at this item causes you to fart then you are likely to s**t yourself if I tell you the price".

[Serial_Apologist]

Mrs. PG just told me this...

A very well to do woman walks into Harrods and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. As she bends down to get a better look she has an unexpected attack of flatulence. She looks around to see if anyone has noticed her indiscretion and is horrified to see a tall, very good looking assistant standing behind her.

"May I be of assistance, Madam"? asks the assistant. Deciding to brazen it out, she asks how much the bracelet is. "Madam", replies the salesman. "If looking at this item causes you to fart then you are likely to s**t yourself if I tell you the price".

Speaking of which, I received two photos of a family gathering through the post on Saturday. On the envelope my cousin had written "Please do not bend". I phoned to thank her, informing her that our postman is a upright person, to the best of my knowledge.

[Ferretfancy]

Barry Cryer on BBC R4's 'Broadcasting House' this morning:
A woman's passing a pet shop and a parrot in the window says, 'Ya Fat Cow!' to her. Infuriated she goes in and confronts the owner.
'That parrot in your window just called me a fat cow. What're you going to do about it?'
The pet shop takes the parrot by the neck and says, 'You better behave yourself. Any repeat of this and I'm going to selotape your beak shut!'

Two hours later the woman walks past the pet shop again. The parrot looks at her and says, 'You know what I'm thinkin'!'

Barry Cryer obviously like parrot jokes, here's an earlier one.

A woman sees a parrot in a shop, and it only costs £20. The shopkeeper explains -" We've only had it a few days, but it used to live in a house of ill repute and it might have picked up some bad language" The woman still decides to buy it, takes it home, and the parrot puts its head on one side and says-"New premises! New premises ! Very Nice !"

The lady thinks -"I'll cure that ! " and a few minutes later her two daughters come home from work. The parrot says ="New girls! New girls ! Very nice! "

Half an hour later the lady's husband comes home. The parrot puts its head on one side and says -"Hello Keith ! "

[Serial_Apologist]

Everyone's heard the one about the luncheon vulture, of course.

[Padraig]

Why did the jelly baby go to school?
He wanted to be a smartie.

[LeMartinPecheur]

It seems that whilst living in our capital city Percy Grainger developed an incredible fixation on ladies' posteriors.

Hence his numerous works based on the London derriere

[ahinton]

Shhh! Don't tell Bryn...

[ahinton]

It seems that whilst living in our capital city Percy Grainger developed an incredible fixation on ladies' posteriors.

Hence his numerous works based on the London derriere

But you do not indentify who it was that he did handle in the Strand or indeed what motivated him to mock Maurice...

[Bryn]

Shhh! Don't tell Bryn...

I have very fond memories of a Live Batts!! performance (using historically correct small electronic keyboards, etc.), in the location illustrated below:



i.e. the old operating theatre of St Thomas' Hospital.

[LeMartinPecheur]

But you do not indentify who it was that he did handle in the Strand or indeed what motivated him to mock Maurice...

Molly on the Shore? The Crew of the Long Serpent? Just don't go there

Further research shows that PG's 'problem' may not have been, as suggested above, restricted to London. One of those versions is called 'County Derriere'

And I fear the innocence of 'Walking Tune' must now be considered rather suspect

[Pabmusic]

I'm just reading Jeffery Deaver's Trouble in Mind and the story Forever has this one:

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...Not screaming like the passengers in the car with him.