Originally posted by antongould
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In Gloucester there are severn bores. -
Originally posted by johncorrigan View Post
"I'm a witch", said the hitchhiker to the driver giving her a lift, "And to have anything you want, you only have to have one wish".
Whereupon he turned into a lay-by.Comment
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I was granted one wish by a witch.
"I want to live forever" I said.
She said "sorry can't possibly make that come true,try another".
"I want to live until Stockport County win the Premier League" I said.
"Crafty bastard" she replied.Comment
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Maria Miller - except she isn't very funny just a bad joke .Comment
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A guy carrying a brown paper bag went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender smiled, poured the drink and then, unable to contain his curiosity said, “So, what’s in the bag?”
The man gave a little laugh and said, “You wanna see? Sure you can see what’s in the bag,” and he reached in and pulled out a tiny piano, no more than six inches tall.
“What’s that?” asked the bartender. The man didn’t say anything, but reached into the bag a second time and pulled out a tiny man, about twelve inches tall, and sat him down next to the piano. “Wow,” said the bartender, absolutely astonished. “I’ve never in my life seen anything like that.”
Then little man began to play Chopin.
“Holy cow,” said the bartender, “where did you ever get him?”
The man sighed and said, “Well you see, I found this magic lamp and it has a genie in it. He can grant you anything you want but only gives one wish.”
The bartender scowled, “Oh, yeah, sure. Who are you trying to kid?”
“You don’t believe me?” said the man, somewhat offended. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a silver lamp with an ornate curved handle. So the bartender pulled the lamp over to his side of the counter and, looking at the man skeptically, rubbed the lamp. POOF, a genie appeared over the bar, bowed to the bartender and said, “Sire, your wish is my command. I shall grant thee one wish and one wish only.”
The bartender gasped but quickly regained his composure. “Okay, okay, give me a million bucks!” The genie waved his wand and all of a sudden the room was filled with tens of thousands of quacking ducks. They were all over the place, making a terrible noise: Quack, quack, quack!
The bartender turned to the man and said, “Hey! What’s the matter with this genie? I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks. Is he deaf or something?”
The man looks at him and replied, “Did you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”Comment
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Not perhaps as funny as the announcement of her replacement Sajid Javid, ex-banker and Financial Secretary to HM Treasury who apparently lists no cultural interests...Originally posted by Barbirollians View PostComment
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Oh dear, I've just looked through Sajid Javid'd website, it's full of nuts & bolts, money, the economy and Mrs Thatcher.Originally posted by ahinton View Post
Culture?
I could see one entry , recognising the good work that groups and individuals had done in his constituency to restore a vandalised, historic chrurch lych-gate.
Will he do his former master's bidding?
More cuts on the way for the Arts?
(Perhaps, he been sent to to Culture for some "work experience". So far, Sajid has hardly cut a dash in his public appearances. Exposure to a few plays can only help him.)Comment
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Hello all,
This still makes me laugh out loud:
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The following is given without source in IEEE Transactions on Aerospace and
Electronic Systems, Vol. 26, No. 2, March 1990-- p. 209.
"Catching Misspilled Words with Spilling Checker
"As an extra addled service, I am going to put this column in the
Spilling Checker, where I tryst it will sale through with flying
colons. In this modern ear, itis simply inexplicable to ask readers to
expose themselves to misspelled swords when they have bitter things to
do.
"And with all the other timesaving features on my new work
processor, it is in realty very easy to pit together a colon like this
one and get it tight. For instants, if there is a work that is wrong,
I just put the curse on it, press Delete and its Well sometimes it
deletes to the end of the lion or worst yet the whole rage. Four
bigger problems, there is the Cat and Paste option. If there is some
test that is somewhere were you wish it where somewhere else you jest
put the curse at both ends and wash it disappear. Where you want it
to reappear simply bring four quarts of water to a rotting boil and
throw in 112 pounds of dazed chicken. Sometimes it brings in the Cat
that was Pasted yesterday.
"But usually it comes out as you planned,
or better. And if it doesn't, there are lots of other easy to lose
options... "
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Regards AntComment
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In a similar vein:Originally posted by EdgeleyRob View Post
I found an old lamp at a boot sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie.
"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.
"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", I said. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to to bring peace to this land."
The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, you see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."
"Well, okay." I said "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the BBC Symphony viola section play in tune."
"Um, what was that first wish again?""I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square."
Lady Bracknell The importance of Being EarnestComment
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"...the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices..."
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An Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Arab were riding along in the desert when all of a sudden they come across a beautiful woman clad in nothing but a pair of knickers which have an emblem of a rose on the front.
"Ah, by the Rose of England she's mine!", cried the Englishman, whereupon he tears them off only to find she has another pair on carrying the emblem of a thistle.
"Och" cries the Scotsman, " by the Thistle of Scotland she be mine!", whereupon he, too, tears them off only this time to reveal a pair with an emblem of a leek.
The Welshmen jumps up and down with excitement, "By the Leek of Wales, she's mine!" He quickly tears them off to find her completely naked -
The Arab cries out. " Ah! by the Beard of Allah, she's mine!""The sound is the handwriting of the conductor" - Bernard HaitinkComment
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We will now have an earnest debate about sexism, racism and Scottish Independence!Originally posted by Petrushka View PostComment
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Wish me luck with this year's London Marathon folks.
I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.
This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.Comment
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Originally posted by EdgeleyRob View Post
"The sound is the handwriting of the conductor" - Bernard HaitinkComment
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