Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

Och, weel - if we maun hae Scottish jokes -

Customer (in butcher's shop - said butcher standing in front of heater): Is that yir Ayrshire bacon?

Butcher: Naw, Ah'm jist warmin' ma hauns.

(Translation available on request.)

[teamsaint]

Husband is a daft/tight Bastard................(copyright Viz magazine , Circa 1990)


My wife says that planning the holiday is half the fun.

So this year I've told her we are planning two holidays, and staying at home.

[EdgeleyRob]

Looking back I wish I'd ordered my baked beans on line.

Heinz site is a wonderful thing.

[Nick Armstrong]

Looking back I wish I'd ordered my baked beans on line.

Heinz site is a wonderful thing.

[Ant]

A certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker, who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Regards Ant

[Flosshilde]

"Is that yer Ayrs yer bakin'?"

& in case that needs translating -

arse.

[EdgeleyRob]

The hotel was so bad,they stole my towel.

[Beef Oven!]

The hotel was so bad,they stole my towel.

[Beef Oven!]

A certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker, who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Regards Ant

[teamsaint]

The hotel was so bad,they stole my towel.

my pompey supporting mate says that they are so bad now that the cat kicks HIM !!

[Dave2002]

& in case that needs translating -

arse.

I think I got that!

[EdgeleyRob]

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

[Serial_Apologist]

I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up.

I must be thick or something...

[Ant]

7-Up?

As an aside, last year we bought petrol at a garage in Yorkshire that offered discount if one bought two cans of fizzy, Coke or some such. We filled up as much as we could, about four gallons, bought the two cans, accepted the discount and paid. We didn't want the fizz - don't touch the stuff! - which upset the cashier a bit but still made quite a good saving on the petrol even after paying for the fizz!

Regards Ant

[LeMartinPecheur]

Hope this hasn't been aired elsewhere but I loved the tweet mentioned on Br**kf*st a few days ago in response to the news that Dominic Cumberbatch is to play Hamlet:

"221B or not 221B, that is the question."