Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

Eh?

One side or the other. Never had a made to measure suit?

[ahinton]

One side or the other. Never had a made to measure suit?

Only ever from Armani, who never bothered me with such considerations.

[Beef Oven!]

Only ever from Armani, who never bothered me with such considerations.

Took one look and thought there was no point?

[Ant]

Only ever from Armani, who never bothered me with such considerations.
Took one look and thought there was no point?

Nice one!

Benighted traveller crawling across desert, blazing sun, parched etc. Arab
approaches: "Water, water" "No water, you buy a nice tie?" "No, water,
water" and on he goes. In due course another Arab, no water but offering
to sell him a nice tie. Then another! Eventually he sees what looks like
an oasis shimmering on the horizon, by this time he's nearly dead with
heat exhaustion, gets closer and realises it's genuine, a beautiful oasis,
palm trees, water, the lot. Big bloke on the door "Sorry Sir, this is a
very exclusive golf club and I'm afraid you can't come in without a
tie..."

Regards Ant

[Nick Armstrong]

A drunk bloke walks past a man repairing a car.
"What's up?" says the drunk.
"Piston broke", says the mechanic.
"Ha ha" answers the drunk, "Me too!"

[Beef Oven!]

"Doctor, Doctor, Ive got a steering wheel on me knob - it's driving me nuts!"

[EdgeleyRob]

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

[Ant]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose
into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left
it there all night.

Regards Ant

[Petrushka]

"Doctor, Doctor, Ive got a steering wheel on me knob - it's driving me nuts!"

[Petrushka]

"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed my glass eye!"

"OK, drop your trousers"

The doctor peers up and says "I can't see anything."

"No", says the man, "but I can see you!"

[Beef Oven!]

I couldnt work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

[HARRIET HAVARD]

My friend is into masochism, necromancy, and bestiality. Is he flogging a dead horse?

[Serial_Apologist]

"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed my glass eye!"

"OK, drop your trousers"

The doctor peers up and says "I can't see anything."

"No", says the man, "but I can see you!"

Reminds me of the one about the man with a glass eye in the bus queue. As each bus arrives, he takes out the glass eye, bounces it on the pavement, then puts it back. "Why do you do that?" asks the man standing next to him. "To check to see if there's any room upstairs", he replies.

[johncorrigan]

Reminds me of the one about the man with a glass eye in the bus queue. As each bus arrives, he takes out the glass eye, bounces it on the pavement, then puts it back. "Why do you do that?" asks the man standing next to him. "To check to see if there's any room upstairs", he replies.

...which reminds me

A guy goes into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting in the booth opposite him. So he works up the courage to go and talk to her. Just as he’s approaching, she sneezes and her glass eye flies out from its socket.
The guy shoots out his arm and catches it and hands it back to her and she slips it back in place. She buys him a drink and then asks if he wants to go to a movie with her; then they go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooks him a big breakfast and the guy said, "Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you? "
And she says, "No, you just caught my eye!"

[Serial_Apologist]

...which reminds me

A guy goes into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting in the booth opposite him. So he works up the courage to go and talk to her. Just as he’s approaching, she sneezes and her glass eye flies out from its socket.
The guy shoots out his arm and catches it and hands it back to her and she slips it back in place. She buys him a drink and then asks if he wants to go to a movie with her; then they go back to her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooks him a big breakfast and the guy said, "Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you? "
And she says, "No, you just caught my eye!"

Which reminds me!

Dinner is served to a party of diners in a high-class restaurant. As one of the ladies leans forward to take her soup, her breasts fall out of the low-cut dress she is wearing. Whereupon, one of the waiters grabs a pair of spoons, rushes over, and pops them back in again. At the conclusion of the meal, the manager asks the host if everything had been to everyone's satisfaction. "Well", he says, "Apropos the incident with the spoons during the starter course, my daughter wishes to complain that the waiter omitted to warm the spoons".