Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

A man is sitting at the roadside looking very unhappy.
A soldier passing by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
I've locked myself out of my car.' replies the man.
'No problem,' replies the soldier 'Let me try by rubbing my backside on the door.'
The motorist is perplexed but reckons there's no harm in letting him try.
The soldier puts his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the door and the lock clicks
open.
'That's amazing' says the motorist. 'How did you do it?'
'Easy,' replies the soldier. 'I'm wearing khaki trousers.'

Regards Ant...

Close the door behind you, please Ant............ Actually, I like silly jokes like that

[Radio64]

music related:

Patient: Doctor doctor I can't stop singing Delilah!
Doctor: Oh don't worry it's the Tom Jones Syndrome
Patient: Is it very common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.

[jean]

If any thread deserves burying out of sight in a dungeon somewhere, it's this one.

[Flay]

<sigh> yes it's going down the plug. Apologies, my "joke" deleted.

[Sir Velo]

<sigh> yes it's going down the plug. Apologies, my "joke" deleted.

It made me chuckle Flay!

[Flay]

It made me chuckle Flay!

me too

[aka Calum Da Jazbo]

[jean]

me too

That tells me more about both of you than I want to know.

[Sir Velo]

Come on! You gotta laugh, innit?

[EdgeleyRob]

I went in to a pet shop.
I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Yes,do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I'm not really bothered what star sign it is.'

[Serial_Apologist]

I went in to a pet shop.
I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Yes,do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I'm not really bothered what star sign it is.'

Must've been a fish then

[Ferretfancy]

Oh God! Taking the pisces again!

[LeMartinPecheur]

Sign seen:

"What if the hokey-cokey really is what it's all about?"

The issue in a nutshell really...

[EdgeleyRob]

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a traffic warden writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[EdgeleyRob]

I was sat on a packed bus when this woman said to me, "Excuse me, why don't you let this heavily pregnant woman, laden with bags of shopping, sit down."

"Why the the hell should I? " I replied. "I've paid my fare the same as her. Besides, she can sit down when we get home."