Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

can't do that, i am spending tomorrow putting off stuff till Thursday.

"One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow."

[mangerton]

Procrastinating is my sin
It brings me endless sorrow.
I really must stop doing it -
In fact, I'll start tomorrow!

More guidance from the desk of mangerton on time management:

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome

[Nick Armstrong]

Procrastinating is my sin
It brings me endless sorrow.
I really must stop doing it -
In fact, I'll start tomorrow!

More guidance from the desk of mangerton on time management:

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Off topic but in defence of procrastination: the only things I've tended to regret are those I've done too quickly. Especially in a work context, how often has the best solution been forthcoming by dint of doing nothing immediately

NB also 'Twelfth Night' - "Time! thou must untangle this, not I! 'Tis too hard a knot for me to untie!"

[EdgeleyRob]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The chef happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with Cheese."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Amelia, rub this fork on your knickers before I take it to the blind man."
Amelia complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Amelia worked here..."

[EdgeleyRob]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?.

[Flay]

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

Thank goodness, I thought the punchline was to be:

"Ah yes, I'll have the fish..."

[EdgeleyRob]

Thank goodness, I thought the punchline was to be:

"Ah yes, I'll have the fish..."

[EdgeleyRob]

To the heartless thieves that stole my bed.

How do I sleep at night?

[Alain Maréchal]

Procrastinating is my sin
It brings me endless sorrow.
I really must stop doing it -
In fact, I'll start tomorrow!

Or, if you work in the Public Sector: always put off till tomorrow what you do not have to do today, because tomorrow you wll discover that the scope of the task has changed and your input is not required.

Do I display a note of bitterness?

[Serial_Apologist]

Procrastinating is my sin
It brings me endless sorrow.
I really must stop doing it -
In fact, I'll start tomorrow!

More guidance from the desk of mangerton on time management:

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome

"I'm all behind" she said.
"Not from where I'm standing you aren't" I told her.

True story, that.

[Anna]

Thank goodness, I thought the punchline was to be:
"Ah yes, I'll have the fish..."

Gosh. You are off my Christmas Card list forthwith Flay, not that you were favoured.

"I'm all behind" she said.
"Not from where I'm standing you aren't" I told her.
True story, that.

Gosh. Double Gosh!
Some male female arse joke. Hilaroius!

[Alain Maréchal]

Is this a Beecham joke, or does he just get these accredited to him?

"That lady is Mrs Bossom"
"Bossom? Neither one thing nor the other!"

(although come to think of it, there's a german equivalent accredited to Richard Strauss)

[Flosshilde]

I think someone will have to explain that to me.

[EdgeleyRob]

Advent calendars have been hard to find this year,do you reckon their days are numbered ?

[Ant]

Hello all,

Young lad from city goes on farm trip, Dad asks later what it was like -
"Smashin', Dad! We stood there in the farmyard and we could see a field of
sheep there, then a field of horses, and then there was a field of
f***ers, then another field of sheep..." "Hang on, son, what did you say
was in that third field?" "F***ers - Miss called them 'effers but we knew
what she meant!"

Regards Ant