Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

Burleigh Heads really does exist. In Australia. I just checked.

[Dave2002]

BH story very funny - a long wind up, but ....

Had me in fits for minutes.

[Petrushka]

Burleigh Heads really does exist. In Australia. I just checked.

What's more there is a Bunnings Warehouse there as well! http://www.bunnings.com.au/stores/qld/burleigh-heads

[Ant]

Hello all,

No jokes for far too long!


Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. They
agree to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before
their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up
the screens, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the
competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

A little later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is
over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is very upset
"I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went off." "Very well, then,
let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the
screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour
forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?!
I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God: "You've seen 'Jesus Saves All' on the signs!"

Regards Ant

[remdataram]

I love this one:

Why I'm divorced.........

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone `Happy Birthday.'
I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my flat,
it's just around the corner.."

After arriving at her flat, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .....
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing `Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there....

On the sofa....

Naked.

[remdataram]

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull ?
The bull has the horns at the front and the arse at the back.

Marriage is like a game of playing cards: In the beginning you have two hearts and a diamond.
After a few years you wish you had a club and a spade.....

An elderly gent driving his car was pulled over by the police at 2.00am.
"Where are you heading at this time of night?", says the policeman.
"I'm going to a lecture", says the old gent.
"What lecture are you going to?", says the cop.
"A lecture on the evils of alcohol, the evils of smoking, and the evils of staying out late".
"Who's giving the lecture at this time of the morning?, says the policeman.
.
.
.. . . . "That'll be my wife!!"

[Ant]

Hello all, gosh - everyone waiting for me!

A woman when entertaining her boyfriend, didn't know that her small son was hiding in the wardrobe. One day, hearing their car draw up outside, she pushed the chap into the wardrobe.

"Dark in here, isn't it?" said the boy. The man agreed. Lowering his voice in case he was overheard, the boy continued "I'll sell you my cricket bat for £25.00". After hesitating for some minutes and realizing the difficulties he was in, the man agreed and paid out the £25.00.

A short time later, the same thing occurred again, the man once more being pushed into the wardrobe. He heard a small voice say "Dark in here isn't it?" followed by "If you like I'll sell you my cricket ball". Hesitating for a moment, the chap said "How much?" "£50" "What?" But he realised what a predicament he was in so agreed.

The following Saturday, the lad's father called out to him that they would go to the park and play cricket. "I haven't got my cricket bat and ball."
"Why, what's happened to them?"
"I sold them"
"Sold them - how much for?"
"£75".
"What, why that's robbery, you come down to the church and make confession right now".

Entering the church, the boy was directed to the confessional box. When he got inside he said "Dark in here isn't it!" and a weak voice said "Oh no, not you again!"

Regards Ant

[EdgeleyRob]

BBC: Nigella Lawson "off her head on drugs"

Looking forward to the new Nigella Space Cake Recipe Book.

[EdgeleyRob]

My girlfriend said I was very poor in bed.

It's my own fault, I really should not have left my bank statements lying about in the room.

[EdgeleyRob]

If there isn't a Chinese millionaire called 'Cha Ching' I will be so disappointed.

[EdgeleyRob]

I'm a closet racist.

I hate them all, cupboards,lockers, cabinets, and especially wardrobes.
Coming over here, hanging our clothes.

[hafod]

SUBJECT: TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful.

Many thanks.

[Richard Tarleton]

[hafod]

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 - EUROPE & AUSTRALIA

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[EdgeleyRob]

Hafod,brilliant