Current favourite jokes

[EdgeleyRob]

A woman stopped me in the street and said, "Would you like to put your hand in your pocket for Children In Need."

I said, "Sure, I normally give money, but if you think it will help."

[Beef Oven!]

A woman stopped me in the street and said, "Would you like to put your hand in your pocket for Children In Need."

I said, "Sure, I normally give money, but if you think it will help."

[Ant]

Hello Dave,

Quote Originally Posted by Ant

"Don't forget you have to be up early in the morning. "

I don't actually. Well, not normally, but tomorrow we're having our solar panels installed - a marginally better return than the bank!
PV or water heating? How did it go?

Very well - PV, a good tidy installation - it's going to be a far better return than a bank account, despite the much lower tariff currently available. A small local firm near Ellesmere... Hot water would also be good although I've not priced it, but we had panels at an earlier house and they worked even without sun to some extent, as indeed do these PV panels.

Regards Ant

[Ant]

Hello all,

Couple playing golf, she slices the ball and breaks a house window
nearby; they knock on door to apologise, chap invites them in - not at
all upset. It turns out that the ball also broke an antique vase and
he'd been in it for 1,000 years. He has three wishes at his disposal,
one for the man, one for his wife, and because they've been a bit
naughty he'll have the third one.

Man asks for a big fat pension: "No problem, £1,000,000 do you?
Consider it done."
Wife says they've had several cruises and would like a villa in each
port - no problem, again.
Genie says "Well, I've been in that vase for 1,000 years, it's been a
long time. Would you mind if the lady and I went upstairs for a couple
of hours?"

What could they say? So a couple of hours later, they come down "That
was marvellous, thankyou. And I'd really like to say how fascinating it
is, in this modern day and age, to find people who still believe in
genies..."

Regards Ant

[Nick Armstrong]

[amateur51]

A woman stopped me in the street and said, "Would you like to put your hand in your pocket for Children In Need."

I said, "Sure, I normally give money, but if you think it will help."

[teamsaint]

see, I told you he would be fine without Dec.

[Ant]

"see, I told you he would be fine without Dec."
Ho, Ho, Ho...

Regards Ant

[Flay]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties..

"May I help you sir?" she asked ..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied ..

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds cash and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts... The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor....

I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

[Nick Armstrong]

[EdgeleyRob]

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?

I'm Batman.

[mangerton]

Not really a joke, but today I heard one of the best Malapropisms I've heard for a long time.

A colleague received a call from a member of the public asking for an "extermination certificate". Careful questioning revealed that he wanted a (health service) exemption certificate.

[MrGongGong]

following on from the HS2 thread

What do you call a scouser in a suit ?
The accused

What do you call a scouse woman in a white shell suit ?

The Bride

as you were

(I'm from Merseyside before you start )

[Beef Oven!]

I'm from Merseyside

Well done!

[Ant]

"A colleague received a call from a member of the public asking for an "extermination certificate". Careful questioning revealed that he wanted a (health service) exemption certificate."

There used to be a rather dreadful "invalid car", three wheeler, fibreglass, only in pale blue I suspect, available for deserving cases. I knew a young lady who had managed to overturn three of them and she always referred to "the exhilarator pedal" and I could never be sure if it was a clever joke or not. I think not!

Regards Ant