Current favourite jokes

[Beef Oven!]

USA

Young Jewish woman on 'phone "Mum, we won, and I'm going to be the first female president of the USA!!! The inauguration is next month on the 27th, make sure you and dad are there!!"

Mum "But it's a long journey and dad's not as strong as he used to be"

Young woman "But mum, this is enormous!!!"

Mum "and it means a new outfit, hat, etc - I'm not sure"........................

Anyway, on the day, the very proud mum does indeed attend and she is bubbling with pride and pleasure. She turns to the person sitting next to her in the White House conference room and the conversation goes..........

Proud Jewish Mum "you see that girl on the stage there, about to be conferred President of the United states?"

Man "Yes, I do see her"

Mum "Her brother's a doctor"

[Sir Velo]

Man goes to Doctor: "Doc, I think I'm getting a phobia for trolls."

GP: "Let's cross that bridge when we come to it."

[Sir Velo]

Q. How do you identify a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

[Ferretfancy]

While Christmas shopping, a lady loses her husband in John Lewis and panics a bit, so she phones him on her mobile. "Where are you, I've been looking everywhere ! " He answers - " Do you remember that jewellers we went to five years a go when you fell in love with that diamond brooch, and I said we couldn't afford it?
"Oh John ! Yes I do ! "

"Well, I'm in the pub next door ."

[clive heath]

Notwithstanding the thanks in advance, more thanks to Caliban for his reposting of his parochial gems.

A wife travels to a distant town to pick up her husband from the airport. His plane is delayed and so they book into the airport hotel for the night. In the early hours a drunk clatters against the hotel room door.

The man sits up in bed and shakes his sleeping partner: " Hey! wake up, that could be your husband"

The woman rolls over and says sleepily "Don't worry, he's abroad on business"

[Anna]

As to Jewish jokes:

Soloman tells his friend Isaac: ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.’
Isaac considers and says: ‘You’d better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.’

[jean]

Gosh, Anna! And you're a feminist!

[Anna]

Gosh, Anna! And you're a feminist!

Yes jean, but my gg grandma was Jewish, her husband was Abraham Soloman, we were brought up to be aware of our Jewish heritage and accept and embrace it. Even though, as everyone does know, the Jewish faith is Matriarcal.

[jean]

There's nothing especially Jewish about jokes about women who talk too much!

[Anna]

There's nothing especially Jewish about jokes about women who talk too much!

No, and I admit to being politically incorrect. Mea Culpa.
But - What's the name of facial lotion made only for Jews? Oil of Oi Vey!!

[gurnemanz]

There's nothing especially Jewish about jokes about women who talk too much!

A young actor ( ..... not necessarily Jewish .....) finally gets his first decent part. He goes and proudly tells his parents: "Yes, I'm playing the husband". His mother replies immediately: "What! You couldn't get a speaking part!"

[Anna]

A young actor ( ..... not necessarily Jewish .....) finally gets his first decent part. He goes and proudly tells his parents: "Yes, I'm playing the husband". His mother replies immediately: "What! You couldn't get a speaking part!"

Sorry, racial steretyping again - but funny! His mother has to be Jewish!

[Padraig]

There's nothing especially Jewish about jokes about women who talk too much!

You're right there, jean! Take my wife.......

[Anna]

You're right there, jean! Take my wife.......

Please, take my wife ..........

P.S. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk

[Ferretfancy]

From the LP You don't have to be Jewish --

A lady on a plane notices a gorgeous diamond brooch on the dress of the lady in the next seat. " That's a lovely brooch " "Yes, it's the Plotnik diamond, but there's one thing about it you wouldn't like, this diamond comes with a terrible curse" What's that ?

"Mr Plotnik "

At the reading of the will -- " To my brother Hymie, who said I'd never remember him in my will - Hi Hymie! "