Current favourite jokes

[hafod]

This one's for horn players (with apologies if it has been posted before).

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

[Nick Armstrong]

This one's for horn players (with apologies if it has been posted before).

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

[hafod]

This one’s for lawyers and is an exchange that (allegedly) actually took place in court.

Defence Counsel: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Answer: No
DC: Did you check for blood pressure?
Answer: No.
DC: Did you check for breathing?
Answer: No.
DC: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Answer: No.
DC: How can you be so sure doctor?
Answer: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
DC But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Answer: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[Dave2002]

Hello B.O. et al,

"Don't forget you have to be up early in the morning. "

I don't actually. Well, not normally, but tomorrow we're having our solar panels installed - a marginally better return than the bank!

PV or water heating? How did it go?

[clive heath]

Are the Parish Magazine/Church Announcements still somewhere in these 484 posts?... or were they somewhere else? , I'm in need of paroxysm therapy. Thanks in advance.

[Padraig]

There hasn't been a shaggy dog yet, has there?
Well, here's one, except it's absolutely true.

I'll call it "Master McGrath"

In a certain Irish town there was a professional couple who ran a Medical Hall. He was a dentist, she a pharmacist. He was a sporting type, she was artistic, and they both indulged their interests when they could. So, while he went golfing and coursing, she attended to the social side of her artistic activities, and they both enjoyed their separate leisure pursuits.
The Hall itself - a shop really, they weren't a bit pretensious - was was a hive of activity. Between the surgery and the pharmacy the place was full of people coming and going. The waiting room doubled as a Sunday dining room for the family and had the usual collection of furnishings reserved for the 'good room'; a good sideboard, table and chairs and so on. On the sideboard were arranged the many trophies won by the sporting dentist, most of them for golf and some for the coursing successes of his greyhounds. I sat in this room on many occasions, but not on the infamous occasion of this story.
A group of nuns had come to visit - concert-going friends of herself. While the ladies chatted elsewhere, one of them wandered into the waiting room, which at the time was empty except for himself, having a read at the newspaper. The visitor seemed fascinated by all the silver cups on display, and began to question our champion on his sporting prowess. Now I know for a fact that Jack O'Nolan would never be uncivil to another person and he answered modestly, and courteously, all the questions that would have driven a lesser man to distraction.
Having demanded an account of how he had won several of the cups, she turned to a more elaborate specimen which seemed to have pride of place high up on the sideboard.
"Now that's what I would call a beautiful cup", she said. "What was that one for?"
"Ah", says he, "The ould bitch won that one"
"Oh Mr O'Nolan, I didn't know your wife played golf!"

[Nick Armstrong]

Are the Parish Magazine/Church Announcements still somewhere in these 484 posts?... or were they somewhere else? , I'm in need of paroxysm therapy. Thanks in advance.

Clive - forgive the very slow service (as the knackered vicar said to the actress)... just seen your plea!

In fact they were buried in the 'Notices' thread under the 'Photo Booth' heading - inappropriate. I was going to post the link (http://www.for3.org/forums/showthrea...671#post341671) but Hey! why don't I just copy them here, they belong better on this thread, and may reach a whole new congregation!

"Church Notices" as found in parish bulletins provide apparently endless scope for amusing ambiguity and typographical inexactitude.... This is the most comprehensive set I've found.


• Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

• Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

• Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Ushers will eat latecomers.

• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

• 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

• Today's Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.

• Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

• (During the minister's illness) God is good. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water.". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

• Youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

[EdgeleyRob]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her flippin' appendix out!"

[Anna]

I am so useless at jokes, either I don't get them or forget the punchline. I was told one, as a child, that I think I have only got now So, on-y-va:
Mother Superior on discovering Novice is pregnant. How can this be?
Benedictus
replied the Novice. Gosh fhat is awful. I shall go offline now.

[EdgeleyRob]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[johncorrigan]

There hasn't been a shaggy dog yet, has there?
Well, here's one, except it's absolutely true.

...and this one's true too, Padraig...and fortunately not shaggy!
One day, when my old dad was still on the go and before the confuddlement had really taken hold, I phoned the house and my mum answered.
'What are you up to today?' says I.
'We're doing a spot of decorating,' replies my Mum.
'Going OK, is it Mum?'
'Yes, fine son. I'm painting the door; and your dad's in the living room with a stripper!'

She never even noticed.

[Nick Armstrong]

'...your dad's in the living room with a stripper!'

She never even noticed.

They never do !

[Nick Armstrong]

I met this dwarf called Peter the
other day. He's a baker and he was
telling me all about baking flatbreads.
It was fascinating.

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

[Hornspieler]

It is the Jewish people who always tell the funniest (and not hurtful) Jewish Jokes and my dear friend and golfing partner was no exception. Here is my favourite:

Haime meets Abe walking along Mile End Road.

Haime: Hallo Abe. How's the boy?

Abe: Haime, every time we meet, you ask me "How's the boy?" You never ask me how I am.

Haime: Okay Abe. How are you, then?

Abe: (waves his hands) Don't ask!

[mercia]

in which case I shall repeat the joke I heard Rabbi Lionel Blue tell on Radio 4

Mr Goldberg dies. His wife wishes to place an announcement in the local paper to let people know. She asks the paper to put "Goldberg dead". They inform her that for the same price she can have three extra words. She thinks for a moment, then suggests "Goldberg dead. Volvo for sale"