Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Which reminds me:
Rabbit goes into a butcher's and says to the butcher: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher replies: Sorry this is a butcher's; we don't sell carrots.
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher replies: Look I told you yesterday that this is a butcher shop and we don't sell carrots.
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher's a bit peeved: Look I told you already that this is a butcher shop and we don't sell carrots. Now if you come in here again I'm going to nail you to that wall over there. Do you understand?
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says to the butcher: Have you got any nails?
Butcher says: No!
Rabbit says: Have you got any carrots?

[EdgeleyRob]

Which reminds me:

Watership Down.

You've read the book.
You've seen the film.
Now eat the pie.

[arancie33]

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store
buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do,
on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd
lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well
and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

[Serial_Apologist]

A woman goes into her local pet shop.
"What can I do for you madam?"
"Well, that bird you sold me... every day, at 12 noon, when I go to feed it, it's flown the cage;
and every day, it's back again at 2 pm. I've had the police and the neighbours out searching;
and it's getting on my nerves!"
"Then I obviously forgot to warn you, madam; it's a luncheon vulture".

[johncorrigan]

Which reminds me:
Rabbit goes into a butcher's and says to the butcher: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher replies: Sorry this is a butcher's; we don't sell carrots.
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher replies: Look I told you yesterday that this is a butcher shop and we don't sell carrots.
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says: Have you got any carrots?
Butcher's a bit peeved: Look I told you already that this is a butcher shop and we don't sell carrots. Now if you come in here again I'm going to nail you to that wall over there. Do you understand?
Next day the rabbit comes back in and says to the butcher: Have you got any nails?
Butcher says: No!
Rabbit says: Have you got any carrots?

My pal told today that it was not a rabbit going into a butcher, buta duck going into a bar and asking, 'Have you got any bread?' - after two or three visits the barman tells the duck that if he comes in and asks for bread again he'll nail his beak to the counter etc etc...I suppose it depends whether you find ducks and bread or rabbits and carrots funnier, but I was persuaded. And of course it reminded me of: "Mummy, mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!" "Don't be silly son! It must be a duck with a hat on!"

[Nick Armstrong]

[Petrushka]

I recall a cartoon which showed a man standing at someone's front door with an axe in his hand as he says to the householder: 'I've come to fix your stereo'.

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Another cartoon I remember is of an irate wife pointing angrily at the loudspeakers while the husband sitting on the sofa says to her: 'But you're not supposed to hear yourself speak over Beethoven's 9th!'

I rather think the second of these might strike a chord with some of us!

[Ferretfancy]

Remember Dudley as Mr Beethoven and Pete as Mrs Beethoven ? ( OK, they knew there wasn't one ) As Dudley at the piano pounds out the opening of the 5th, Pete hoovers the room round the piano, saying "Lift your feet ! "

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oIFrdepba0

[EdgeleyRob]

A penguin walks into a bar and says "has my dad been in tonight ?"
The barman says "I'm not sure,what does he look like ?"

[EdgeleyRob]

A bloke knocked on my door earlier.
When I opened it I noticed he was about 3 feet tall.
I said "who are you?"
He said "I'm the meter man".

[EdgeleyRob]

Well I've gone and done it,painted my face purple for Mauvember.

[Jonathan]

[Ant]

Hello all,

"A painter gets the job of painting the Church.
Nearly all has been done, as he reaches the cross at the top of the belfry and the paint is just nearly running out.
In stead of covering the cross the usual 3 times, he only applies one layer, and even so can't cover the top.
So be it, he thinks, as he starts descending the ladder.
At that precise moment a bolt of lightning strikes him, and a voice is heard: repaint, repaint, repaint !"

In my version he waters the paint down and is then told "Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!"

Regards Ant

[Ant]

Hello all,

I'm up to page 26 at the moment and I'm reminded by one I saw earlier:

Vicar driving his Bishop round his parish in his pony and trap when the horse broke wind long and loud. The vicar was very embarrassed and said "I do beg your pardon, my Lord." "Oh, I thought it was the horse!"

Regards Ant