Current favourite jokes

[EdgeleyRob]

Headline in the local paper,

'Cemeteries could run out of burial space in less than ten years!'

I hope that doesn't lead to panic dying.

[Mr Pee]

[johncorrigan]

Good one, Mr Pee...here's one you wouldn't hear these days...I'm sure I originally read it in 'Viz'.
Patient: "Doctor, there's something wrong with me! My poo comes out like chips"
Doctor: "Hmmm! have you tried taking your string vest off?"

[teamsaint]

A large hole has suddenly appeared in the middle of the high street in Fratton this morning.

Portsmouth police are looking into it.

[teamsaint]

not jokes, but very funny.

the Greatest Murray Walkerisms.

http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/motorhead-uk/funniest-ever-murrayisms-tribute-great-murray-walker-121659351.html

[EdgeleyRob]

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

[Mr Pee]

[QUOTE=EdgeleyRob;342561]My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.[/QUOTE

[EdgeleyRob]

A bloke called round earlier,he was collecting for the starving of Africa.
I told him to sod off,I've got enough on my plate at the moment.

[EdgeleyRob]

A 'C', an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in new suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

[visualnickmos]

Shakespeare walks into a pub and gets a bit stroppy.

The landlord tells him "Get out yer bard!"

[Dave2002]

Try this musical/visual joke/entertainment - http://www.wimp.com/brassband/

Ignore anything which looks like a car advert!

[MrGongGong]

http://trumpetangst.tumblr.com/post/64216370126/musical-notation-as-described-by-cats

[EdgeleyRob]

My pitbull swallowed my wife's new watch last night and I'm not happy.

£20 that cost me from Argos!

I've just searched his poo and there's no sign of it yet.

I've found her hand though so I suppose that's something.

[Boilk]

A large hole has suddenly appeared in the middle of the high street in Fratton this morning.
Portsmouth police are looking into it.

Reminds me of an old Two Ronnies joke...

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

[arancie33]

A woman walks into a fish shop
"Can I have a piece of cod please"
"I'm sorry madam, haven't got any cod today"

Half an hour later she comes in again:
"Have you got a fillet of fresh cod please?"
"No madam, I'm sorry but there is no cod today"

Another half an hour and she comes back:
"Can I have a piece of cod please?"
"Madam, I'm very sorry but there just is no cod here today"

Forty minutes later, she's back:
"Could you find me a nice piece of cod please?"

"Madam, please tell me, how many Ds are in haddock?"
"Well, two" she says
"And how many Rs in herring?"
"Two of course"
"And how many Fs in cod?"
"Hmm, there is no F in cod"


"Which is what I've been trying to tell you all morning!"