Current favourite jokes

[Anna]

OK, Cali will kill me for stealing his glory - here is a joke of his:

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I've been sleeping with".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.
"I was talking to the duck" she says.



Here is one of mine:

Mother Superior summons Angela, the Novice to her office:
Now, Angela, it has come to my attention that you are pregnant, how could this happen?
Angela thinks for a while and then says Benedictus
and it's goodnight from him, and goodnight from me!!

[Nick Armstrong]

OK, Cali will kill me for stealing his glory - here is a joke of his:

A woman comes home on Valentine's Day with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I've been sleeping with".
"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.
"I was talking to the duck" she says.



Here is one of mine:

Mother Superior summons Angela, the Novice to her office:
Now, Angela, it has come to my attention that you are pregnant, how could this happen?
Angela thinks for a while and then says Benedictus
and it's goodnight from him, and goodnight from me!!

[Serial_Apologist]

The definition of silence:

A banjo being thrown down the toilet
Without hitting the sides.

[johncorrigan]

Little boy comes home early from school. Asked by his mother for the reason, he says it was for urinating in the swimming pool. "Oh that seems rather severe", says his mum, "I'm quite sure lots of little boys probably wee wee in the pool". "Not off the top diving board" the boy replies.

Alternative version: I was having a sneaky pee in the swimming pool and one of the attendants blew a loud blast on his whistle...got such a fright I nearly fell in!

[johncorrigan]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts ?

Alternative version: Bob Marley and the Wailers go into a cake shop. Bob asks the baker for half a dozen doughnuts for him and 15 for the Wailers. Baker says 'Wi' Jam in?' Bob nods and turns to the Wailers, 'Hope you like jam in too!'

[MrGongGong]

Alternative version: Bob Marley and the Wailers go into a cake shop. Bob asks the baker for half a dozen doughnuts for him and 15 for the Wailers. Baker says 'Wi' Jam in?' Bob nods and turns to the Wailers, 'Hope you like jam in too!'

That's even better

I used to have a girlfriend who played the french horn
but every time she kissed me she stuck her hand up my....

[AmpH]

A failed chat up line ........

Man : " How would you like your eggs in the morning ? "

Woman : " Unfertilised "

[Nick Armstrong]

The definition of silence:

A banjo being thrown down the toilet
Without hitting the sides.

Still haven't 'got' that one S_A.

And what was all that about Rob's cat crapping in his garden?

[MrGongGong]

The definition of silence:

A banjo being thrown down the toilet
Without hitting the sides.

or (a variation)

"Perfect pitch" : throwing a viola into a skip without it hitting the sides

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

And what was all that about Rob's cat crapping in his garden?

As I understand it;
Rob was following the Bob Marley & Oasis jokes with another "call and response" joke - except that nobody gave the required "response" and thought that the joke had been meant. The gist, I think, might be

A man went into his bedroom one night and told his wife that he'd just seen something astonishing:
"Next door's cat has just had a crap in our garden and is burying it!"
"What's so 'astonishing' about that? All cats bury their waste."
"Not with my shovel, they don't."

S_A's banjo down the toilet has me flummoxed, though.

[Nick Armstrong]

S_A's banjo down the toilet has me flummoxed, though.

Not a line I'd ever expected to read!

Ta re the cats

[Nick Armstrong]

"Perfect pitch" : throwing a viola into a skip without it hitting the sides

Now that's a proper one

[umslopogaas]

Apologies if I've posted this already, this thread's been going a long time. Its from Bill Bryson's book on Australia, 'Down Under'.

Young couple in the Sydney suburbs have a three year old daughter. Everyone thinks she's terribly cute. One day some builders start to build a house on a vacant lot next door. Little girl wanders over to watch and the builders adopt her as a sort of mascot. They make her little cups of tea and at the end of the week they give her a little pay packet with some shiny coins inside.

Right says Mummy, we must go and pay those in. So they go to the bank and ask the teller to open a new account.

"That's clever of you" says the teller, "how did you earn that?"

The little girl says "we've been building a house."

The teller asks "will you be building a house next week too?"

The little girl replies "we will if they ever send the f*****g bricks!"

[EdgeleyRob]

As I understand it;
Rob was following the Bob Marley & Oasis jokes with another "call and response" joke - except that nobody gave the required "response" and thought that the joke had been meant. The gist, I think, might be

A man went into his bedroom one night and told his wife that he'd just seen something astonishing:
"Next door's cat has just had a crap in our garden and is burying it!"
"What's so 'astonishing' about that? All cats bury their waste."
"Not with my shovel, they don't."

S_A's banjo down the toilet has me flummoxed, though.

That's what I should have posted instead of trying to be clever,thanks fhg.

[Nick Armstrong]

That's what I should have posted instead of trying to be clever,thanks fhg.

There's always a chance it was me being obtuse....