Current favourite jokes

[Serial_Apologist]

Little boy comes home early from school. Asked by his mother for the reason, he says it was for urinating in the swimming pool. "Oh that seems rather severe", says his mum, "I'm quite sure lots of little boys probably wee wee in the pool". "Not off the top diving board" the boy replies.

[EdgeleyRob]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

(Old Tommy Cooper favourite)

[MrGongGong]

Where do professors of music aesthetics go for a vegetarian curry ?
The Dahlhaus

[Petrushka]

Heard on the top deck of a bus, two men arguing.

"I tell you it's VOOM!" says one chap, "V-O-O-M."

"No it isn't it's VROOM!", said the other, "V-R-O-O-M."

A little old woman sitting behind couldn't contain herself and said to them, "Surely, don't you mean womb, W-O-M-B?"

"Madam, I doubt if you have ever even seen an elephant, let alone heard one fart."

[gurnemanz]

Heard on R4 this week.

A The universe is at an end.
B No matter.

[MrGongGong]

"we don't serve neutrino's "
A neutrino walks into a bar

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a Catholic Church. So the priest comes up to him and says "Oi you! Higgs Boson! You can't come in 'ere."

So the Higgs Boson particle says, "Without me you can't have any mass."

[Petrushka]

Man goes into a smart restaurant which goes by the name of 'The Kinnelle'. He's a bit puzzled by the name but thinks nothing of it, enjoys his meal and asks for the bill. On receiving his bill he shouts "'kin 'ell!"

[Stillhomewardbound]

My late mother in her declining years was too often in the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead and was often in 'Kinnell Ward'. Despite the circumstances we could never but laugh about the name.

By the time it came to my father's turn they'd abandoned ward names and opted for navigational descriptors, eg. '12 Easy B'. Well, where's the punchline in that?!

[MrGongGong]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts ?

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts ?

With jam in it?


What's "Oasis Soup"?

[Nick Armstrong]

With jam in it

I think more grammatically: wid jam in. Man.

[amateur51]

My late mother in her declining years was too often in the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead and was often in 'Kinnell Ward'. Despite the circumstances we could never but laugh about the name.

By the time it came to my father's turn they'd abandoned ward names and opted for navigational descriptors, eg. '12 Easy B'. Well, where's the punchline in that?!

[teamsaint]

With jam in it?




What's "Oasis Soup"?

you gotta Roll with it, (Some Might Say)

[amateur51]

Kevin had been working on the site for ten days now, but he still didn't feel one of the lads. This tea break he decided to tell them about his hobby.

"I started a new poem last night" he offered, casually.

"A poem, you say?" said one.

"That's right, I write poetry" said Kevin "Would you like to hear how far I got?"

"Sure" said the foreman

"Well it's nowhere near finished, in fact I'd appreciate your help. I've got as far as

"I've got a lovely duffle coat,
I think it's really great ..."

A silence.

"That's how far I've got" said Kevin "I need a word to rhyme with 'great' but I want a really good word, not a an obvious one like 'mate' or 'plate'

"Fascinate" said Trev, with a wink to the others.

"Terrific!" said Kevin "That's a great word - many thanks - I'll try it out tonight!"

Next day the tea break was ripe with anticipation.

"I finisihed my poem last night lads. And your word 'fascinate' was just what I needed, Trev, many thanks"

"No problem, Maestro" said Trev with a wink.

"Would you like to hear it?"

"Go ahead"

"I've got a lovely duffle coat
I think it's really great
It's got ten golden buttons
But I can only fasten eight"

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

"I've got a lovely duffle coat
I think it's really great
It's got ten golden buttons
But I can only fasten eight"

Is Kevin related to Roger?

scintillate by roger mcgough


I have outlived
my youthfulness
so a quiet life for me

where once
I used to
scintillate

now I sin
till ten
past three