Current favourite jokes

**Mr Pee** · 04-10-13, 09:51

I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.

When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

**Sir Velo** · 04-10-13, 10:04

JanetStreet Porter goes into a bar and says, 'can I get a large aperitif?'

Barman: 'You need the dentist next door, love.'

**Sir Velo** · 04-10-13, 10:07

Patient: "Doctor, I have a small piece of lettuce protruding from my backside."

Doc: "Sadly sir that's just the tip of the iceberg" .

**Nick Armstrong** · 04-10-13, 10:12

Like 'em, Sir Velo

(though there's a nostalgia to the 'iceberg' one, which is as old as the hills!

)

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van
full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

**LHC** · 04-10-13, 10:23

An old rugby joke:

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?"

"Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

**teamsaint** · 04-10-13, 10:30

The down market version of that one......

Man walks into a very rough pub.
there is a group of huge tough looking types in one corner . He walks over to them, points , and says " You lot are Tossers".

He goes over to another corner where another large scary looking group are drinking. He points at them and says " You lot are arseholes".

One of the second group takes offence, eyeballs the man and says
"Oi: I ain't an Arsehole".

Man says: " Well get over there with the tossers then !!"

**teamsaint** · 04-10-13, 16:52

saw a wonderful cartoon in Punch many years ago.

A bobsleigh team is standing by the side of the track closely examining a map.
The Commentator high in his commentary position is saying...
" And this is sure to cost the Irish team valuable seconds.....".

not very PC, as pointed out down thread.

I am ashamed.

But I have a little Irish and other celtic blood, so does that help at all?

**Serial_Apologist** · 04-10-13, 17:46

Two friends enter a bar. One says to the other, "Hey, look; that fellow over there, the one with a little head, looks a bit lonely. What say we join him?" "Sounds a nice idea" replies the friend.

The man with a little head is delighted to accept their company. "Well, you did look a bit lonely", he is told; "has anyone ever asked how you came to have such a little head?" "Well", the man replies, "I was shipwrecked on this island, and all on my own, for several months, see. Then one day, this beautiful mermaid comes out of the sea, and promises me any wish that it is within her powers to grant. But when I mentioned not having had sex for a very long time, she told me that this was an impossible request. So you can guess what I then asked for".

**mangerton** · 04-10-13, 17:57

Originally posted by teamsaint View Post

saw a wonderful cartoon in Punch many years ago.

A bobsleigh team is standing by the side of the track closely examining a map.
The Commentator high in his commentary position is saying...
" And this is sure to cost the Irish team valuable seconds.....".

Very non-PC, but love it.

It could equally be told about people from Kilwinning, a town in Ayrshire, whose occupants are said to be intellectually challenged. Eg:

Two Kilwinningites on a night out in Kilmarnock missed the last bus home. Being lawless types, they decided that instead of walking home they would break into the local bus garage and steal a bus. One climbed over the wall while the other kept watch. After 15 minutes had elapsed with no sign of his pal, the man keeping watch shouted over the wall, "Whit's keepin' ye?"

"Ah canny find a bus that says Kilwinning on it", comes the reply.

""Ya eedjit", says his pal. "Take wan that says Irvine on it and we'll walk the rest."

Alternatively:

There's a long delay, sounds of buses' engines being started, buses being moved, and engines being stopped. "The Kilwinning bus was right at the back."

**teamsaint** · 04-10-13, 18:00

Originally posted by mangerton View Post

Very non-PC, but love it.

It could equally be told about people from Kilwinning, a town in Ayrshire, whose occupants are said to be intellectually challenged. Eg:

Two Kilwinningites on a night out in Kilmarnock missed the last bus home. Being lawless types, they decided that instead of walking home they would break into the local bus garage and steal a bus. One climbed over the wall while the other kept watch. After 15 minutes had elapsed with no sign of his pal, the man keeping watch shouted over the wall, "Whit's keepin' ye?"

"Ah canny find a bus that says Kilwinning on it", comes the reply.

""Ya eedjit", says his pal. "Take wan that says Irvine on it and we'll walk the rest."

Alternatively:

There's a long delay, sounds of buses' engines being started, buses being moved, and engines being stopped. "The Kilwinning bus was right at the back."

LOL. Heard it before, but still LOl.
(I think they tell it for Devizes round here !!)

**vinteuil** · 04-10-13, 18:04

Originally posted by teamsaint View Post

(I think they tell it for Devizes round here !!)

... oi! Watch it!!

[a Devizes boy writes... ]

**amateur51** · 04-10-13, 18:08

Noreen and Nuala were in the bar one evening, supping and chatting when Noreen suddenly broke off and said

"Will you look over there, Nuala. Does that woman in the corner there .." she nodded "does she not put you in mind of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux?"

Rather startled by this development, Nuala took a moment to clean her spex on her cardigan and then took a good look.

"You know, now you mention it Noreen, you could be right. Wouldn't that be a turn up?"

"It would indeed " said Noreen to her friend " Shall I go over and ask her, do you think?"

"Well why not?" said Nuala.

Noreen took a strong pull at her drink and thus emboldened walked over to the woman in the corner.

No sooner was she gone than she was back sitting next to Nuala, and looking very flustered.

"What did she say?"

"She said "Fek Off!"

"Oh that's a shame - now we'll never know!"

**mangerton** · 04-10-13, 18:10

If "smoking-room" jokes are permitted (see S_A above), his tale reminds me of the man who walked into a bar one night accompanied by an emu and a cat. They sat down at a table, and the man went to the bar and bought drinks for all three. In due course, the emu went to the bar and bought a round, and this continued for the evening, man and emu buying alternates rounds. Eventually the man went to the bar and ordered a round. The barman said, "Look what's going on here? You and the emu have been up several times, but the cat hasn't bought a round yet!"

The man answered, "It's a sad story. Last week I met a genie, and he granted me a wish. I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

**amateur51** · 04-10-13, 18:11

Originally posted by Sir Velo View Post

Patient: "Doctor, I have a small piece of lettuce protruding from my backside."

Doc: "Sadly sir that's just the tip of the iceberg" .

Variation II:

Doctor, doctor I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom

Oh don't worry - I have some cream for that

**EdgeleyRob** · 04-10-13, 19:47

Originally posted by ardcarp View Post

What do you call a woman who juggles pints?

Beatrix.

And if she can play snooker at the same time ?

Beatrix Potter.