Current favourite jokes

[Auferstehen2]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob!

What do you call an epileptic in a forest? Russell!

What do you call a man with a meat hook on his head? Hamed! (ham-head)
What do you call a man with two meat hooks on his head? Mohammed!
And finally, what do you call a man with two meat hooks and a vibrator on his head? Sheikh Mohammed!

Mario

[EdgeleyRob]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob!

What do you call an epileptic in a forest? Russell!

What do you call a man with a meat hook on his head? Hamed! (ham-head)
What do you call a man with two meat hooks on his head? Mohammed!
And finally, what do you call a man with two meat hooks and a vibrator on his head? Sheikh Mohammed!

Mario

What do you call a man standing in a cemetery carrying 2 raincoats ? - Max Bygraves.

What do you call a woman who can complete a 147 snooker break whilst balancing a pint of lager on her head ? - Beatrix Potter.

What do you call a man with a car number plate on his head ? - Reg.

What do you call a man with a wooden head ? - Edwood.

What do you call a man with three wooden heads ? - Edwood wood wood.

What do you call Bambi with no eyes ? - no idea.

What do you call Bambi with no eyes or legs ? - still no idea.

[Mr Pee]

Two spies walk into a bar.

The rest of this joke is classified.

[ahinton]

Two spies walk into a bar.

The rest of this joke is classified.

That must be quite an old joke; after all, we now have the Freedom of Information Act...

[Ferretfancy]

A gentleman at a Soviet banquet in the Kremlin found himself sitting next to a very glamourous blonde, and was quite devastated by her, but she would not speak. Feeling very frustrated, he pretended to drop his napkin. and crawled under the table to pick it up. While below the tablecloth he placed a hand on her knee, no response, so he moved a little higher, still no response, so he moved his hand higher still.
At that point a hastily scribbled note was handed down to him --" When you reach your objective, do not allow yourself to be surprised, FN Carruthers, Foreign Office."

[EdgeleyRob]

Just been having a sneek peek at my christmas presents only to find that one of them is a flippin bag of rice.
Bet that's off uncle Ben.

[Anna]

Two Hadron Collider scientists walk into the room.
"You know what it means if we can isolate the God partiicle?"
"Yes, Catholics really believe in the existence of Mass"

This is one for the nuclear physicists!

[EdgeleyRob]

Favourite christmas cracker joke?.

How does santa like his pizza ?

Deep pan,crisp and even.

[Serial_Apologist]

Just been having a sneek peek at my christmas presents only to find that one of them is a flippin bag of rice.
Bet that's off uncle Ben.

Rice and shine!

Or, if you happen to like his music, Rice and Stein

[Flosshilde]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug!

What do you call a man without a canine friend?

Douglas.


And a Glasgow speciality -

Is thet a cake you're eating, or a meringue?

[mangerton]

And a Glasgow speciality -

Is thet a cake you're eating, or a meringue?

Naw, yer right, it's a sair heid cake. (Do you still get them?) Ah, the Glasgow humour/patter. We should start a thread.

[mercia]

Q: Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
A: You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

[Stillhomewardbound]

Favourite christmas cracker joke?.

How does santa like his pizza ?

Deep pan,crisp and even.

Gosh! A cracker joke that made me laugh!!

I liked the one I saw ..

How did Vikings send secret messages?

By norse code!

[Flosshilde]

Naw, yer right, it's a sair heid cake. (Do you still get them?) Ah, the Glasgow humour/patter. We should start a thread.

I'm afraid it wouldn't see many contributions from me - even after 15 years and extensive study with Professor Baxter I'm still not proficient in Glesga. Scotty would be able to contribute - unless he's forgotten his native tongue.

(I don't know about sair heid cake - what's it like?)

[johncorrigan]

What do you call a man without a canine friend?

Douglas.


And a Glasgow speciality -

Is thet a cake you're eating, or a meringue?

Naw you're right, Flosshilde!

But I believe the full joke is - What do you call a Glaswegian wi' size 2 feet who disnae hae a canine companion?
Wee Shughie Douglas! Not sure if it translates.