Current favourite jokes

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

What a Tees!

[Serial_Apologist]

There's the one about the squire and the clergyman walking across the grouse moor...

After a while, I grouse flies over.
The squire raises his shotgun, takes aim and fires, and misses.
"Damn!", he exclaims, "missed the bastard".
"I really must protest at such blasphemous language", says the clergyman. "Do you not realise the danger that God could strike you dead?"
"No, I never believed in such superstition", answers the squire.
A moment later, another grouse flies over.
The squire raises his shotgun, takes aim, fires, and misses again.
"Damn!, he repeats, "missed the bastard".
At which precise moment comes a bolt of lightning
which strikes the clergyman dead..............
and a voice is heard, booming out from the clouds,
"Damn! Missed the bastard".

[Serial_Apologist]

What a Tees!

Could have been a birdie in one...

[Roehre]

A painter gets the job of painting the Church.
Nearly all has been done, as he reaches the cross at the top of the belfry and the paint is just nearly running out.
In stead of covering the cross the usual 3 times, he only applies one layer, and even so can't cover the top.
So be it, he thinks, as he starts descending the ladder.
At that precise moment a bolt of lightning strikes him, and a voice is heard: repaint, repaint, repaint !

[Serial_Apologist]

A painter gets the job of painting the Church.
Nearly all has been done, as he reaches the cross at the top of the belfry and the paint is just nearly running out.
In stead of covering the cross the usual 3 times, he only applies one layer, and even so can't cover the top.
So be it, he thinks, as he starts descending the ladder.
At that precise moment a bolt of lightning strikes him, and a voice is heard: repaint, repaint, repaint !

I think that's got it covered...

[mangerton]

The church mentioned above also had severe problems with its heating. Things got so bad that a meeting of the congregation was held one Sunday after Divine Service. Comments were invited. Complaints about the cold came thick and fast from all parts of the church. Eventually the chairman - the minister - called a halt, and asked if anyone else had anything to say. At that a very old lady got to her feet and said, "It may be bad in other parts of the building, but I can assure you that my sister and I have sat here for years and the cold is really becoming insufferable."

"I see", said the minister. So what you're really saying is, many are cold, but few are frozen."

[Mr Pee]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging trouser area.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said “its golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

[Flay]

Irish Maths Test

A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[Mr Pee]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, “I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

[ahinton]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, “I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

The joint response should have been "but we only wanted a Pee".

Now maybe you might consider changing your forum ID, having already amended your avatar...

[Pilchardman]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the embankment in London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have occupied the House of Commons, and they're asking for A £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse all the MPs in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon".

[Serial_Apologist]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the embankment in London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have occupied the House of Commons, and they're asking for A £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse all the MPs in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon".

... followed by a group of carol singers, singing "Gathering winter fuuu...el"

[Anna]

Flay's Irish Maths Test joke was the funniest ever! Loved it Terribly Politically Uncorrect of course!

[PatrickOD]

'Is that my friend in the bunker, or is the bastard on the green?'

Ah! The joy of golf!

'Patrick', my wife asked, 'why don't you play with Seamus any more?'
'Well, would you play golf with a man who talks while you're putting, fiddles his score and moves his ball out of the rough when you're not looking?'
'Certainly not!'
'Neither will Seamus.'

Is it 'put' or 'putt'?
Well, 'put' means to place a thing where you want it to go, while 'putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

[Pilchardman]

... followed by a group of carol singers, singing "Gathering winter fuuu...el"