Current favourite jokes

[Pilchardman]

New regulations say that Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt when they're on the sleigh. It's elfin safety gone mad.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

New regulations say that Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt when they're on the sleigh. It's elfin safety gone mad.

[Flay]

My wife wants a divorce. She's accused me of being impotent with another woman.

[Mr Pee]

The wife came home last night waving her new vibrator around, yelling "I don't need you now!!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in?

[Pilchardman]

I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

[Roehre]

New regulations say that Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt when they're on the sleigh. It's elfin safety gone mad.

I am afraid this is not a joke for Santa, but elfin safety gone mad indeed





Our own experience since 2009 with Rotary's Santa collections: Santa has got to wear a seatbelt during driving the sleigh
PS: Santa's helpers are supposed to walk y'know

[Stillhomewardbound]

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

(Schizophrenics) ‘Do You Hear What I hear’

(Multiple Personality Disorder) ‘We three kings disorientated are’

(Dementia) ‘I think I’ll be home for Christmas’

(Narcissistic) ‘Hark the herald angels sing … about me, me, me’

(Manic) ‘Deck the halls, the walls, the bathroom, the garden, the garage, the high street, the town hall’

(Paranoid) ‘Santa Claus is coming to town … to get me’

(Attention Deficit) ‘O Come all ye faithful, joyful … look at that frog … I’ll go shopping … text … bed … car’

(OCD) ‘Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells’

[Serial_Apologist]

(OCD) ‘Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle bells’

Shouldn't that be Minimalist Christmas Carol afficionado? (Same symptom, I guess)

[EdgeleyRob]

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the HSE.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No chocolates or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No cricket bat, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere, even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth.
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth

[Serial_Apologist]

Nice poem ER - one or two lines could be made to scan more neatly, otherwise...

[Boilk]

Sorry for the age of this one but couldn't resist.

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?
He lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog!

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
Said he hit the roof every time he stepped in some god sh*t.

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
Said he hit the roof every time he stepped in some god sh*t.

Perhaps it was the same Atheist who took a walking holiday in Canada. Whilst admiring the forest scenery he was horrified to see a snarling bear rushing towards him.
"Oh dear God, please NO!" he screamed.

... and the world shimmered. And Time stood still. And a still, small voice spoke from the back of his consciousness.
"Oh! So after decades of denying My existence, you call on Me when you need My help? Doesn't that strike you as just a smite ... err, sorry ... 'mite' hypocritical?"
"You are right," thought the Atheist, "It is wrong of me to expect you to help me. But perhaps you might make the bear behave in a more Christian way?"

After a split second's pause, the universe gave a shrug.
"Okay", came the Still, Small voice, "It's a deal."

... and the world shimmered back into Time and the bear hurled itself towards the Atheist ... but stopped inches away from him.

And got down on its knees.

And put its paws together.


And said, "For what I am about to receive ... "

[BBMmk2]

Why cant you play snap in Africa?

Because they full of cheetahs!!

[johncorrigan]

Three ducks flyin' by.
First one says, 'Quack!'
Second one says, 'Quack!'
Third one says, 'Ah cannae go any quacker!'

[remdataram]

Perhaps it was the same Atheist who took a walking holiday in Canada. Whilst admiring the forest scenery he was horrified to see a snarling bear rushing towards him.
"Oh dear God, please NO!" he screamed.

... and the world shimmered. And Time stood still. And a still, small voice spoke from the back of his consciousness.
"Oh! So after decades of denying My existence, you call on Me when you need My help? Doesn't that strike you as just a smite ... err, sorry ... 'mite' hypocritical?"
"You are right," thought the Atheist, "It is wrong of me to expect you to help me. But perhaps you might make the bear behave in a more Christian way?"

After a split second's pause, the universe gave a shrug.
"Okay", came the Still, Small voice, "It's a deal."

... and the world shimmered back into Time and the bear hurled itself towards the Atheist ... but stopped inches away from him.

And got down on its knees.

And put its paws together.


And said, "For what I am about to receive ... "

Love it! Love it!

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years, when one day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"