Current favourite jokes

[3rd Viennese School]

3 ties try to get into a night club.

The bouncer goes to the first one " We dont serve ties in here!"

The second one tries to get in. Bouncer goes " We dont serve ties in here!"

The third one tries to get in. Bouncer goes " And you're a tie as well, aren't you!"

The third tie replies " No, I'm a frayed knot!"

3VS

[LHC]

Vaguely remember TC's "small pianist" joke, handsome. Strange that those sorts of jokes seem to be making a comeback. A whole section of The Wright Stuff was devoted to discussing small condoms now becoming available. Via Amazon?? But there was no snigger-snigger: what man would not want to be seen dead in the check out queue?

Wasn't there a story that when different sized condoms were introduced, the manufacturers discovered that no one would buy the 'small' or 'medium' sizes and would only ask for 'large', so they were re-labelled as 'large', 'extra large' and 'extra extra large', without changes the size of the condoms in the packets.

[Serial_Apologist]

Wasn't there a story that when different sized condoms were introduced, the manufacturers discovered that no one would buy the 'small' or 'medium' sizes and would only ask for 'large', so they were re-labelled as 'large', 'extra large' and 'extra extra large', without changes the size of the condoms in the packets.

I wouldn't be surprised!

Here's another old joke:

A man goes into a shop and asks for condoms.

"Certainly sir - we do them plain or in three colours: red, blue or green, or you can have assorted" says the salesperson.

"OK, I'll have assorted" replies the man

Four months later he returns to the shop, and asks:

"Do you sell maternity frocks?"

"Yes we do, sir" says the salesperson, "What bust?"

"The blue one" the man replies.

[Mr Pee]

I have a friend named Jay.

We call him J for short.

[mangerton]

The animal thread reminded me of this.

In the butcher's....

"Do you have any wild duck?"

"No, but I've a tame one I could annoy for you".

[Flosshilde]

I just said to my wife, 'do you want the good news or the bad news?'
She replied 'Both'
I said, 'Our new next-door-neighbour is an excellent bagpipe player.'

(From an American newspaper, via the (Glasgow) Herald.

[EdgeleyRob]

The new Man United fragrance this christmas - Channel no 5

[johncorrigan]

I wouldn't be surprised!

Here's another old joke:

A man goes into a shop and asks for condoms.

"Certainly sir - we do them plain or in three colours: red, blue or green, or you can have assorted" says the salesperson.

"OK, I'll have assorted" replies the man

Four months later he returns to the shop, and asks:

"Do you sell maternity frocks?"

"Yes we do, sir" says the salesperson, "What bust?"

"The blue one" the man replies.

Which reminds me of the guy who went into the greengrocer shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'Can I have a packet of condoms please?'
Greegrocer replies, 'Sorry sir but we don't sell condoms here - have you tried Boots?'
Guy says, 'Look mate I want to slide in, no march in!'

[Chris Newman]

Did you hear about the contented fairy?

She sat on a toadstool and it grew in the night.

[Mr Pee]

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion

- royalty

- sex

- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

[ferneyhoughgeliebte]

Sorry if you've heard this before (as Rob Cowen should be forced to announce):

A man went to a restaurant on his own and was given a table next to a very attractive woman who was also dining alone. He couldn't keep his eyes off her, but was too shy to try to start a conversation until suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye flew out over to his table. Gallantly he retrieved the eye and returned it to her. She was so grateful that she offered to buy him dinner in thanks.

During their meal they struck up such a friendship that eventually they left the restaurant together and repaired to her flat to continue their conversation.

In the morning, the man couldn't help asking:
"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life, but you must do this sort of thing with every man you meet?"

"Oh no!" she replied, "You just caught my eye."

[Serial_Apologist]

Sorry if you've heard this before (as Rob Cowen should be forced to announce):

A man went to a restaurant on his own and was given a table next to a very attractive woman who was also dining alone. He couldn't keep his eyes off her, but was too shy to try to start a conversation until suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye flew out over to his table. Gallantly he retrieved the eye and returned it to her. She was so grateful that she offered to buy him dinner in thanks.

During their meal they struck up such a friendship that eventually they left the restaurant together and repaired to her flat to continue their conversation.

In the morning, the man couldn't help asking:
"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life, but you must do this sort of thing with every man you meet?"

"Oh no!" she replied, "You just caught my eye."

A bus queue. Each time a bus arrives, a man in the queue removes his glass eye, and bounces it hard on the pavement repeatedly before returning it to its socket. "Excuse me, why do you do that?" asks the woman standing next in line. "Oh, I'm just checking to see if there's any room on the top deck", he replies.

[Mr Pee]

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford. He radios for backup.

“What’s the situation?” Asks the operator.

“A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof.” Says the cop.

“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “You have to use the politically correct terminology”

“OK” he says. “Zulu…. Tango…. Sierra.”

[Pilchardman]

Comic sans walks into a pub. The barman said, "sorry we don't serve your type in here."

[Pilchardman]

Just got back from the funeral of a friend who drowned last week. People said my floral tribute in the shape of a lifebelt was in bad taste, but as I told everyone at the service, "it's what he would have wanted."