Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Operator on Emergency services in Glasgow answers the phone. The woman at the other end says, ' I need an ambulance; my waters huv jist broken and I'm goin' into labour.'
Operator says, 'Now just hold on there, calm down. Where are you ringin' from?'
'The waist down,' comes the reply.

(wonder if that joke only works in Scotland)

[Tapiola]

A Scottish gamekeeper is doing his rounds one morning in the Highlands when he sees a man bent down drinking water with his hand from a nearby burn.

"Hoots, mon. Dinnae drink thon waathur! Thon burrrn is foo o' coo's keech and pish!" he exclaims.

"Excuse me, my good fellow", comes the man's reply. "I am English, and I do not understand a word you are saying".

"Cup your hands", says the gamekeeper. "You'll get more water that way."

[johncorrigan]

A Scottish gamekeeper is doing his rounds one morning in the Highlands when he sees a man bent down drinking water with his hand from a nearby burn.

"Hoots, mon. Dinnae drink thon waathur! Thon burrrn is foo o' coo's keech and pish!" he exclaims.

"Excuse me, my good fellow", comes the man's reply. "I am English, and I do not understand a word you are saying".

"Cup your hands", says the gamekeeper. "You'll get more water that way."

good one, T.

[EnemyoftheStoat]

St Peter meets Steve Jobs at the pearly gates.

"I must introduce you to Moses", he says.

"Why Moses in particular?", Jobs asks.

"His tablets need updating".

[LHC]

I'm baaaaaack!!!!!!!!!

As always, apologies if this old joke appears in any of the 10 previous pages.

Bloke A: How dare you fart before my wife!
Bloke B: Sorry. I didn't know it was her turn!

3VS (whos baaaack!)

This reminds me of a friend's true story.

Soon after he was married he farted in front of his wife for the first time.

"Stop that" she said with a horrifed look on her face.

Quick as a flashm, he replied "Quick, which way did it go?..."

[Tapiola]

LHC,

This in turn reminds me of one of my father's favourite jokes.

***CRUDITY SPOILER***

The new vicar is doing the rounds of his parish when he calls in to see an old farmer who lives alone with his dog.

The farmer and vicar are sitting down, chatting, when all of a sudden the vicar farts loudly.

To break the ensuing silence, the farmer looks at his dog and exclaims "Get out, Rover!"

A few minutes pass as the farmer pours tea for them both. The vicar farts again, louder than before.

"Get out, Rover", says the farmer, more urgently.

The farmer passes the vicar a plate of biscuits. At that, the vicar produces a most deafening guff.

"Get out, Rover!" cries the farmer, "before he sh*ts on you!"

[Ferretfancy]

HMQ went to Victoria Station to meet the president of a newly formed republic on his first state visit. As the carriage procession moved towards the Palace, one of the horses pulling the carriage farted loudly. " I'm so sorry " said Her Majesty, " That's perfectly all right Ma'am" He replied, "I thought it was the horse ! "

[hafod]

A few years ago the following was doing the rounds of a number of government departments in central London:

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 deputy neutrons, 88 under neutrons and 198 assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[marthe]

Good one, Hafod! My dad, who taught Chemistry, would have loved this.

[umslopogaas]

This isn’t really a joke, but it is a great line, from Billy Wilder’s ‘Sunset Boulevard’ (1950), a delightfully vicious satire on the movie business. I hastily admit I haven’t seen it, but I have read about it. Some preamble is needed.

It is set on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, where old stars of the silent era, forgotten now the talkies have taken over, sit and play bridge and moulder in their mansions among their forgotten dreams. They include:

Gloria Swanson, famous star of the silents, who didn’t make it across to the talkies, as Norma Desmond … fictitious star of the silents who sits in her fading palace remembering past glories;

Buster Keaton, a similarly forgotten master;

(I’ve copied this out of a book, I don’t have this level of knowledge about movies) Erich von Stroheim, “most famous of the early directors broken by the Hollywood system” as Norma Desmond’s butler Max von Meyerling.

Without going into too much plot detail, there is a scene where the central character recognises her and mentions that she used to be:

“big in movies!”

And Desmond (Swanson) flares her nostrils and snarls

“I’m still big! It’s the movies that got small!”

[Ferretfancy]

umslopogaas

We used to have a tape loop in our studio of Cecil B de Mille in a scene from Sunset Boulevard, shouting " Be quite down there! Can't you see we're making a movie here ? "
It came in handy when the background chatter got too loud!

The final scene of the film, where the mad Norma Desmond comes down the stairs into the arms of the police, imagining that she is at last in the role of Salome, is one of the great Hollywood moments. " I'm ready for my close up Mr de Mille" she says as she slowly descends, while on the music track we hear those tremolo strings from Strauss'es opera,skilfully alluded to in Franz Waxman's score.

I wish they still made them like that !

[Ferretfancy]

Oops! Strauss's !

[umslopogaas]

Many thanks ferretfancy, there are details there that arent in my book. It actually features a still of Swanson histrionically descending the staircase in her mansion, surrounded by press photographers and does describe her as mad, but it doesnt say she was imagining she was playing Salome. What a plot! How on earth did Wilder get the money to make such a subversive view of his own industry? I've rather drifted away from movies in recent years and I certainly dont know anyone nowadays who has that sort of imagination. And it sounds, and looks from the stills, as if Swanson really pulled out all the stops.

[handsomefortune]

I’m still big! It’s the movies that got small

is fabulous - and in retrospect, probably absolutely true, as far as 3/4s of hollywood content is concerned.

i don't know how wilder got away with what he did either umslopogaas ...or where he got the cash from!

[salymap]

I saw Sunset Boulevard as a play in London years ago. It was good but not as good as the old film. Can't remember the cast in London either but it will be on Google I expect. Really only the two main parts.