Current favourite jokes

[LMcD]

Lee Mack in tonight's episode of 'Not Going Out':

Neymar - Geordie Orphan

[Serial_Apologist]

Lee Mack in tonight's episode of 'Not Going Out':

Neymar - Geordie Orphan

[Serial_Apologist]

Jeremy Vine on his Channel 5 show this morning:

"I don't listen to Radio 3, frankly, but I want it to exist, because it's a good thing".

[Pulcinella]

Here is as good as anywhere:

Bootham Toyota billiard crash in York - police called in
(York Press headline)

Actually the car (a Toyota) crashed into a bollard on Bootham (a busy road in the city centre).

[johncorrigan]

Bootham Toyota billiard crash in York - police called in
(York Press headline)

Reminded me of Frank Skinner's imagined newspaper headline:
New Technological advances in the game of snooker announced...the rest is history.

[Gargoyle]

I didn’t know that Robert Mugabe was actually from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards…..

[Serial_Apologist]

Since yesterday's Boat Race, Boaty McBoatface has been superseded by boating mucked boat faces.

[mikealdren]

boating mucked boat faeces?

[LMcD]

Reminded me of Frank Skinner's imagined newspaper headline:
New Technological advances in the game of snooker announced...the rest is history.

Cue more sports-related quips?
(I had a snooker joke in my pocket, but baulked at the thought of inflicting it on people)

[johncorrigan]

'Mummy,.Mummy, tell me what an eclipse is?'
'No, son!'

[Roger Webb]

An eminent Polish conductor visiting London for some concerts decided his eyes were not what they had been, seeing a sign in the window of Specsavers which read Optician Available for Consultation Today he entered and after a short wait was ushered in to a consultation room. The optician after seating him asked if he could read the bottom line of the chart on the opposite wall,
the Polish conductor replied 'Read it? I studied with him in Warsaw!'.

[Boilk]

_

[johncorrigan]

A few years ago, a week after the Masters, Jesus was invited to play a round of golf there and duly went along with St Peter as his caddy. They reached the 10th hole, which had a water hazard between tee and green, and Jesus asked St Peter for a 7 iron. Peter advised Jesus that he would be better playing a 5 iron to make sure he reached the green. Not at all, Jesus said. I was watching the Masters last week and Tiger Woods played a 7 iron into the middle of the green in all 4 rounds. Peter handed him the 7 iron and Jesus played his tee shot into the water. He tee'd up again and asked for his 7 iron. Peter said, you need a 5 iron, but Jesus again said that Tiger had played the 7 iron into the middle of the green. So Peter gave Jesus the 7 iron who again played his ball into the water. This happened another few times until Jesus had no golf balls left. Jesus then walked off the tee onto the water to look for his balls. As he was doing this, the fourball playing behind Jesus came from the 9th green onto the 10th tee and saw Jesus walking on the water.
The first of them said to Peter, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ"?
"No", said St Peter, "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

[Serial_Apologist]

"Do a bowel cancer symptoms quiz by 30 April for a chance to win a year's supply of Andrex toilet rolls!"

- In Southwark council's latest online communiqué.



I do so love the south London sense of humour. It just one of so many reasons for my moving here!

[burning dog]

"Do a bowel cancer symptoms quiz by 30 April for a chance to win a year's supply of Andrex toilet rolls!"

- In Southwark council's latest online communiqué.



I do so love the south London sense of humour. It just one of so many reasons for my moving here!

BLOODY HELL !!

I've read that Cadbury's are removing the chocolate wrap on Twirl Bars, but I suspect this is flake news.