Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

Another great gag from Jack Dee this evening: 'Vaughan Williams caught a really bad cold but couldn't find a hanky anywhere, so he created a fantasia on green sleeves'.

On this week's 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' Jack said, 'My wife is very generous at Christmas time. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I asked her for a cheese-plant. I'm now the proud owner of the Lymeswold Creamery.'

[Serial_Apologist]

On this week's 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' Jack said, 'My wife is very generous at Christmas time. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I asked her for a cheese-plant. I'm now the proud owner of the Lymeswold Creamery.'

For cheese a jolly good fellow. Go on, say it!

[LMcD]

Rishi Sunak is reportedly going to launch a supplementary Stop The Boat campaign in an attempt to prevent Baroness Mone from bringing her yacht into a UK harbour.

[Serial_Apologist]

There's no f in Chelmsford!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-67864128

[johncorrigan]

There's no f in Chelmsford!

[oddoneout]

There's no f in Chelmsford!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-67864128

When the DWP moved from the centre of my home town to a retail site on the outskirts some years ago it put up a big board on the access roundabout announcing "Department for Works and Pension". I assumed that someone would notice and correct it, but months later it hadn't been changed so I went in and said that perhaps it needed doing, for two reasons. They are not a civil engineering firm to whom "works" would be applicable and also that if there is only one pension to go round no wonder so many were struggling financially. The person at Reception was from the BR charm school line of customer interaction and got very narky with me, saying that it didn't matter as everyone knows what they are and so the sign was only needed to show the way. Eventually, quite a long time later, someone solved the problem by adding an "s" to "Pension"...

[Serial_Apologist]

When the DWP moved from the centre of my home town to a retail site on the outskirts some years ago it put up a big board on the access roundabout announcing "Department for Works and Pension". I assumed that someone would notice and correct it, but months later it hadn't been changed so I went in and said that perhaps it needed doing, for two reasons. They are not a civil engineering firm to whom "works" would be applicable and also that if there is only one pension to go round no wonder so many were struggling financially. The person at Reception was from the BR charm school line of customer interaction and got very narky with me, saying that it didn't matter as everyone knows what they are and so the sign was only needed to show the way. Eventually, quite a long time later, someone solved the problem by adding an "s" to "Pension"...

Earlier on a chat programme had brought up the subject of council bans on ball games in the street by showing a succession of NO BALL GAMES signs - one to which Banksy had stencilled an adjacent wall depiction of a small boy looking up at one of such signs in puzzlement.

[kernelbogey]

A gorilla walks into a pub and, in response to the barman's 'What would you like to drink, Sir?' replies 'A pint of bitter please'. The barman serves him and says 'That will be £6.50 please'; then when returning with the change adding 'If you don't mind my saying so, Sir, we don't see many gorillas here'. Taking a sip of his beer, the gorilla replies 'I'm not surprised, with your prices'.

[johncorrigan]

Sometimes when I'm looking for a joke I love a wander through the archives of this string. Choose a page number and wander through four or five pages and you're bound to find something to give you a chortle or two, as well as remembering old jokers from times gone by - how I miss Edgelyrob's gags, for example. By the way there's some duffers in there too, but that's life. Anyway, here's one that I spotted yesterday, from way back.

A lion goes into a restaurant. The waiter comes over:
'What would Sir like for starters?'
'I'll have the salmon, please!'
'And for the Main?'
'I'll just have a comb.'

[kernelbogey]

Sometimes when I'm looking for a joke I love a wander through the archives of this string. Choose a page number and wander through four or five pages and you're bound to find something to give you a chortle or two, as well as remembering old jokers from times gone by - how I miss Edgelyrob's gags, for example. By the way there's some duffers in there too, but that's life. Anyway, here's one that I spotted yesterday, from way back.

A lion goes into a restaurant. The waiter comes over:
'What would Sir like for starters?'
'I'll have the salmon, please!'
'And for the Main?'
'I'll just have a comb.'

Good on you John. That one reminds me of the Spitting Image scene with Thatcher and the Cabinet at a restaurant. The Maitre d' asks Maggie what she'll have and she says she'll have the steak.
- And what about the vegetables?
- They'll have the same.

[johncorrigan]

Another from the 300 pages of material:
I bought a muzzle for my pet mallard. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

[Padraig]

I bought a muzzle for my pet mallard.

Not much craic then?

[Serial_Apologist]

Not much craic then?

Not enough to make me quack up.

(Everyone duck!)

[oddoneout]

You're all quackers.

[johncorrigan]

You're all quackers.

It reminded me of that old school playground joke:
'Mummy, Mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill!'
'Don't be silly, son, it must be a duck with a hat on!'