Current favourite jokes

[mercia]

two definitions from the Uxbridge English Dictionary

Diamante - Way to start letter to 2nd World War Field Marshal
Digression - Welsh fighting talk

[EdgeleyRob]

My optician told me I was colour blind yesterday.

That was a bolt from the yellow.

[Spatny]

One day, a bloke decides he would like to a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The bloke says out loud, "Wow, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the bloke laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and educated bird."

"Yeah?" the bloke asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "its is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot c**k around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of all my feathers."

"Wow," says the bloke, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. Said the Parrot. 'I speak French & German too. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, art, philosophy. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £500.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for £20.00; just make the Pet shop owner an offer."

The bloke offers £20 and walks away with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting, he understands everything, and gives good advice. The bloke is very happy.

One day the bloke comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst,." The bloke goes up close to his cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What?" asks the bloke.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in just her knickers and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the bloke.

"Then the postman came into the house and put his hand on your wifes **** and kissed her all over," said the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down her knickers, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the bloke.

"Well ….. I don't know !!" said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch."

[ahinton]

One day, a bloke decides he would like to a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The bloke says out loud, "Wow, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the bloke laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and educated bird."

"Yeah?" the bloke asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "its is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot c**k around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of all my feathers."

"Wow," says the bloke, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. Said the Parrot. 'I speak French & German too. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, art, philosophy. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £500.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for £20.00; just make the Pet shop owner an offer."

The bloke offers £20 and walks away with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting, he understands everything, and gives good advice. The bloke is very happy.

One day the bloke comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst,." The bloke goes up close to his cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What?" asks the bloke.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in just her knickers and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the bloke.

"Then the postman came into the house and put his hand on your wifes **** and kissed her all over," said the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down her knickers, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the bloke.

"Well ….. I don't know !!" said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch."

The moral (moral?!) of which might arguably appear to be that if one's to c**k anything up, don't do so parrot fashion...

Now, where's me c**t? COAT, I said!...

[cavatina]

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated
young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you
knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and
gives up the seat.

The girl then takes out a fan and fans herself. The woman looks up and
says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl
gives her the fan.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop,
I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at
the next corner, not in the middle of the block. Her hand across her
chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me
out here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out.
As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "

"Chutzpah," she replies.

[Serial_Apologist]

A girl catches a lift. After a while she tells the driver, "I'm a witch". "You're kidding", he replies. She puts her hand on his leg, and immediately he turns into a layby.

[notinajumalainukhaju]

Loved it!

This has been my favourite joke for years but no-one seems to find it anywhere near as funny as I do. Don't know why I do either. Just do.

The scene is a Wild West saloon bar, girls dancing, cowboys playing cards when all of a sudden the doors swing open and a guy shouts: 'Big Jake's in town!!'
Girls flee, cards and drinks fall to the floor as everybody panics in terror. The saloon doors burst open again and in comes an 8 foot giant of a man, a bison under each arm, the floor shakes as he stamps over to the bar. He throws the bison into each corner and roars: 'Get me a whiskey!' The trembling barman quickly hands one over. It's downed in one gulp. The terrified barman asks: 'Won't you have another?'

'Not likely', thunders the giant, 'Big Jake's in town'!!

[notinajumalainukhaju]

The problem with this joke is not that it's racist but inaccurate - the accent would be Chinese, not Indian and as we know, no 'elections' in China.

A BBC interviewer in Mumbai is asking locals their opinions on the day's elections. "The last one I had was before bleakfast", he is told.

(If anyone complains of racism, I agree to remove this, er, joke)

[3rd Viennese School]

I'm baaaaaack!!!!!!!!!

As always, apologies if this old joke appears in any of the 10 previous pages.

Bloke A: How dare you fart before my wife!
Bloke B: Sorry. I didn't know it was her turn!

3VS (whos baaaack!)

[EdgeleyRob]

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name though , it's P something T something R.

I said to my friend "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to the bull starts".
He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

[Curalach]

An elderly gent driving his car was pulled over by the police at 2.00am.
"Where are you heading at this time of night?", says the policeman.
"I'm going to a lecture", says the old gent.
"What lecture are you going to?", says the cop.
"A lecture on the evils of alcohol, the evils of smoking, and the evils of staying out late".
"Who's giving the lecture at this time of the morning?, says the policeman.

. . . . "That'll be my wife!!"

[Roehre]

Question:
Why aren't there any mothers-in-law in heaven?

Answer:
Dragons cannot fly that high.

[Stillhomewardbound]

Oh, you've just made my night!!

[Ariosto]

With apologies. This was told to me yesterday by a gay friend who has a great store of hetrosexual jokes, and it's very naughty.

Wife to husband: "I really wish I had bigger boobs."

Husband: Well, you could try rubbing toilet paper between them."

Wife: "Do you really think that would work?"

Husband: "Well it did wonders for your arse!"

[kernelbogey]

Just after my wife had given birth to our first child I asked the doctor 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?' He winked at me and said 'Well I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park'.