Current favourite jokes

[Petrushka]

Yet another Soviet Union joke:

It's 1942 and a man goes running round Red Square shouting: 'The whole world is suffering because of one man!!' Of course, the man is hauled off to the Lubyanka where the NKVD demand to know who he had in mind. 'Why, Adolf Hitler, of course,' he replied. As they let him go he turns round to the guards and says: 'And who did you have in mind?'

[Ferretfancy]

Stalin, Kruschev and Breshnev are all on a train which gets stuck for a long time without moving. Stalin leaves the compartment and returns saying - " I've just had the driver shot, we'll soon be on the move. They wait. Kruschev leaves the compartment and returns saying " I've just given the new driver the Order of Lenin, we'll soon be on the move. They wait. After a while Breshnev says " I tell you what, let's draw the blinds and pretend the train's moving ! "

[ahinton]

Cheese jokes? You're on dangerous ground here. I advise you to tread very Caerphilly.

Although it's probably best to Gorwydd the flow.

[Chris Newman]

Although it's probably best to Gorwydd the flow.

Don't tell LLANBOIDY or they'll all want some and all that chasing about will make them PANT MAWR.

[ahinton]

Don't tell LLANBOIDY or they'll all want some and all that chasing about will make them PANT MAWR.

Oh, cap that one, then (not!) - 'tis almost enough to encourage me to do a Hereford Hop across the nearby border to sample some of these things! Mind you, I'm not quite so sure about a cultured Perl Wen I saw Richard of that ilk on last night's Question Time performing as one feared that he would (it would be George anytime for me, I fear)...

[EdgeleyRob]

Arthur and Bill are two old guys fishing by the river.
A hearse passes slowly by and Bill puts down his fishing rod, takes off his hat and bows his head.
When the funeral procession has passed he puts his hat back on and carries on fishing.
"That was a lovely gesture" says Arthur.
"It was the least I could do" says Bill, "We had been married for 48 years".

[Serial_Apologist]

Stalin, Kruschev and Breshnev are all on a train which gets stuck for a long time without moving. Stalin leaves the compartment and returns saying - " I've just had the driver shot, we'll soon be on the move. They wait. Kruschev leaves the compartment and returns saying " I've just given the new driver the Order of Lenin, we'll soon be on the move. They wait. After a while Breshnev says " I tell you what, let's draw the blinds and pretend the train's moving ! "

There comes the time for all revolutionaries to leave this place. Fidel Castro is entering the waters of the Styx; ahead of him is Chairman Mao, the water up to his waist. Further out still is Trotsky, with only his head now visible. But wait, what is this? In the distance is Stalin, only in it up to his knees! "Hey, Comrade Joe" shouts Mao, "How come you haven't yet drowned?" "I can tell you how", shouts back Stalin, "I'm standing on Comrade Lenin's shoulders!"

[Ariosto]

I once had the most awful nightmare in which I was taking part in a performance of Carmina Buriana (or some such spelling) - and then I woke up and found that I was!!

[Al R Gando]

I once had the most awful nightmare in which I was taking part in a performance of Carmina Buriana (or some such spelling) - and then I woke up and found that I was!!

You seem to have left the punchline out of this joke. So you were asleep on the job, and then what happened?

[johncorrigan]

I was going to tell you a chemistry joke but all the best ones are gone!

[ahinton]

You seem to have left the punchline out of this joke. So you were asleep on the job, and then what happened?

Oh, come on! It's a very old gag, in which other works have stood in for Carmina Burana (not least the Messiah and Elijah) over the years. As to Carmina Burana itself, what is perhaps its sole redeeming feature is that it's at least as long been immortalised by the Gershwin brothers in their song that runs

I say Carmeena and you say Carmeina,
I say Burahna and you say Burayna,
Carmeena, Carmeina,
Burahna, Burayna,
Let's Carl the whole thing Orff.

[Ariosto]

Oh, come on! It's a very old gag, in which other works have stood in for Carmina Burana (not least the Messiah and Elijah) over the years. As to Carmina Burana itself, what is perhaps its sole redeeming feature is that it's at least as long been immortalised by the Gershwin brothers in their song that runs

I say Carmeena and you say Carmeina,
I say Burahna and you say Burayna,
Carmeena, Carmeina,
Burahna, Burayna,
Let's Carl the whole thing Orff.

Sorry about the joke ahinton! Yes, it's usually Messiah but I though a change might be good.

I love your Gershwin Brothers quote.

[ahinton]

Sorry about the joke ahinton! Yes, it's usually Messiah but I though a change might be good.

No need to apologise! I've heard it done using Elijah quite often over the years. Another variation on it that I once heard was "I had a nightmare that I was playing Boulez's Third Piano Sonata and then woke up to find that I wasn't because the composer was still revising it". Another that I heard more recently is "I had a nightmare that I was singing in the uncut version of The Veil of the Temple and then woke up to find that I was being ejected from the latter for wearing the former". There's probably quite a treasury of these, albeit on nothing like the scale of those centring on a certain stringed instrument of whose name I'll omit mention because (a) I promised I'd mention it only once here and (b) Nicholas Parsons probably wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt following a challenge for repetition.

I love your Gershwin Brothers quote.

It's actually a paraphrase rather than a quote, but so long as it gives pleasure, that's fine!

[EdgeleyRob]

Thinking back my parents must have been druids.
I seem to remember they said they made a lot of sacrifices for me.

[Paul K]

2 vaguely musical jokes, one of which I was reminded of by an earlier post.

A man took a cat into a variety agent and it sat at the piano and played God Save the Queen. "No, that's no good. It's been done before." said the agent. "Just a minute" the man replied, "he'll play one of his own compositions." The cat then played something extraordinary, paws flying all over the place.The agent to his feet. "That's fantastic!" he exclaimed, "You should get it orchestrated."
At this, the cat leapt out of the window and was never seen again.

The other one comes from a Peterborough column of about 50 years ago when knowledgable staff taking a pride in their expertise when perhaps more common.

A man goes into a music shop and says he would like to buy "Could I but Express in Song". "Certainly sir" the assistant replies and he starts searching through some drawers. After a few minutes he disappears through to the back for a more intensive search. After about 10 minutes he admits defeat and comes and tells the customer, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but I've looked through the entire catalogue of Koday's opus and I can't find his "Buttocks Pressing Song" anywhere.'