Current favourite jokes

[umslopogaas]

This is from 'The Diary Of A Sex Fiend' by Christopher Peachment, which a friend recently gave me. Its very rude, but extremely funny.

George Brown, former Foreign Secretary at the time of Harold Wilson's government and famously fond of a drink, goes to an official function somewhere in South America, where the liquor is dangerously strong. Across the room he spots a tall and apparently inviting creature in a shimmering purple dress, so he meanders over and asks for a dance. "No," says the figure. "For three reasons. First, you are drunk. Second, they are playing the Peruvian National Anthem. And third, I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima."

[Serial_Apologist]

Woman goes into a baker's shop. On the wall a notice states, "Nothing touched by hand".

"What will you have, madam?" asks the man serving. "I'll have three of your lovely bread rolls", she says. "Very good, madam" replies the baker, using a pair of tongs to place the rolls in a paper bag. "I do like this shop", the woman continues, "everything is so clean!" "Oh yes, madam, we operate to the highest standards of hygiene here. See that notice up there, what it says?" "Oh yes" answers the woman, "I noticed that! And I also noticed that string coming from the front of your trousers. Presumably that would be for... when you, er, need the cloakroom?" "That's right, madam; one always has to be prepared for the call of nature, huh huh!". "Yes, I see that", says the woman, "but one thing I would like to know is, when you've finished, how do you... get it back in your trousers?" "Perfectly simple, madam; I use the tongs!"

[mangerton]

Great jokes! Some are oldies but still goodies. In a similar vein to SA's :-

A man goes to visit his grandmother and he brings a friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "I hope you don't mind my eating your peanuts". She replies, "Not at all! Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."

[Serial_Apologist]

An old Belgian joke, reflecting the differences between the Flemings and the Wallonies (sp?)

A man sits on his own in a restaurant, eating trout; he carefully removes the eyeballs and places them on the edge of the plate. After finishing his meal, he gets up and, as he starts to walk towards the cash desk, another man on the other side of the restaurant, who has noticed this, says to him: "Excuse me monsieur; I couldn't help noticing that you removed the eyeballs from that trout you were eating, and did not eat them. Did you not know that eating trouts' eyeballs makes you more intelligent". "No I didn't", the other replies, "and I don't intend testing out your theory either!" "Well, if you are not going to have them, if you let me have them, I'll give you 50 francs for them". "Oh", said the first man, "then I'll do as you suggest". He eats the trout eyes. "But wait a minute!" he exclaims, "That meal only cost me 30 francs in the first place!" "Ah", says the other, "I see they are already taking effect!"

[Segilla]

He was a big man and came from the biggest State in the Union - Texas. He had on his big head a big hat, a big buckle on his big belt holding in his big belly. But the biggest thing about him was his mouth.

"Hey", he said to a nearby native Indian, "What did you call this country before the White man arrived?"

"Ours".

[Serial_Apologist]

He was a big man and came from the biggest State in the Union - Texas. He had on his big head a big hat, a big buckle on his big belt holding in his big belly. But the biggest thing about him was his mouth.

"Hey", he said to a nearby native Indian, "What did you call this country before the White man arrived?"

"Ours".

That's like the question they always asked us when I was at school: "Who discovered America?"

[Stillhomewardbound]

IRISH CHAT UP LINE:

C'mon, what about it, now ... how would you like to be buried with my people.


FATHER MAGUIRE'S COCK

Fr.Maguire's hobby was to maintain a small chicken coop in his yard. One night he goes to check on the coop and discovers that his cock is absent. He's very disconcerted and all the more so when the cock is still missing several days later.

He decides he will take the issue up with his rural parishioners at Sunday mass.

From the pulpit he eyes his flock sternly and says ... "Does anyone here have a cock?" Silence follows.

He asks again and embarrassed all the men mumble, 'yes father, yes father'.

"No, no", the priest remonstrates and clarifies ... "Has anyone here SEEN a cock?"

With that the women then mumble their reply ... "yes, father, yes'.

Exapserated, the priest raises his eyes to heaven and tries one last time ... "What I'm asking is, has anyone here seen MY cock?!"

With that all the altarboys, the organist and the village post master all chorus "yes, father, yes, father!!"

[Mr Pee]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jlufq2jEHhY

[DoctorT]

Jimmy, aged 75 and well past his prime, but extremely wealthy, walks into the golf club with a stunning blonde on his arm. 'How did you get a beautiful girlfriend like that Jimmy?' ask his friends as soon as she's out of earshot. 'You may be filthy rich but she must be about 25!' 'She's not my girlfriend,' says Jimmy, she's my wife. We met a month ago and it was love at first sight.'

'But how did you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age.'

'What age did you say you were, 50?'

'No, I told her I was 90.'

[EdgeleyRob]

My mate asked me to get him 200 cigarettes while I was on holiday.
Just been to give them to him and he said "how much do I owe you?".
"£68.50 I said"
"Blimey" he said, "where did you go?"
"Blackpool" I said.

[Al R Gando]

A Management Consultancy company become new corporate sponsors at the Philharmonia. After the opening concert of the season, they request a meeting with the Conductor.

"Overall we are pleased, but some of the orchestra will have to go, due to an endemic poor work ethic."

"Oh dear, what do you mean by that?"

"Well, the timpanist. We observed that he persistently skived-off, and only did any work when you looked at him and pointed at him in person."

[Al R Gando]

Leonid Kogan and David Oistrakh were sitting in a pub near the Stage Door of the Tchaikovsky Concert Hall, and drinking vodka.

"Leonid! Tell me - could you play the Brahms Concerto after two double vodkas?"

"Certainly! Without blinking!"

"But after three - could you play it after three?"

"Probably! Very probably!"

"But tell me, Leonid - could you play the Brahms Concerto after four double vodkas?"

"No, David - but I could conduct it!"

[Flosshilde]

Diner - "Waiter, what is this soup?"

Waiter - "It's bean soup, sir"

Diner - "Tell the chef that it's absolutely delicious"

[Al R Gando]

How do conductors practice conducting in 11/4?

Rim-Sky-Kor-Sa-Kov-Must-Have-Gone-Off-His-Head

(cf "Sadko")

[MrGongGong]

What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull ?

The bull has the horns at the front and the arse at the back

i'll get my coat