Current favourite jokes

[Parry1912]

I asked at the chemist “What kills Coronavirus?”
“Ammonia cleaner”
“Sorry,” I said “I thought you were the pharmacist.”

I hear that all the people arriving at John Lennon Airport are being put in isolation.
Imagine! All the people.

[LHC]

"The reason the Tories don't invest in education is because they depend upon a certain level of ignorance for their support" - Steve Coogan.

I believe he said that on TV a couple of days before the election, which begs the question why working-class people in Northern cities still voted Tory after all those Labour supporting celebrities had carefully explained to them that they were stupid racists.

[Serial_Apologist]

I believe he said that on TV a couple of days before the election, which begs the question why working-class people in Northern cities still voted Tory after all those Labour supporting celebrities had carefully explained to them that they were stupid racists.

I'd really need to have chapter and verse on those careful explanations, never ever having heard any celebrity make any such claim. There were plenty of careless racism and accusations of such on Twitter, Facebook etc., as one would expect, but how is one not to know that the former were just trolls trying their best to impugn by false attribution?

[Serial_Apologist]

***URGENT RECALL***

Supermarkets are currently recalling toilet
paper as the cardboard roll inserts are
imported from China and there are strong
fears the cardboard has been contaminated
with the coronovirus.

The most recent purchases are deemed
most likely to be contaminated.

If you have recently bought bulk supplies you
are now at risk... return that toilet paper and
apply deep heat directly to your anus to kill
any infection - don't wait till it's too late.

[oddoneout]

For some reason the current advice about the risk of infection from cash handling made me think of money laundering...

[Serial_Apologist]

For some reason the current advice about the risk of infection from cash handling made me think of money laundering...

Oh very good!!!

Please take note..... or not...

[DracoM]

For some reason the current advice about the risk of infection from cash handling made me think of money laundering...

Which is why uz yorkies are always likely to survive.

[Segilla]

I heard Max Miller telling this clean joke in the 1940s / 50s. Maybe it's well-known.

Jim joined a ship as the ship's boy and was told by the captain to go on board that night to keep watch and if he saw any lights he was to run down below to report it to the captain.

After a while Jim saw a light and reported it, but the captain dismissively said "I saw that light half an hour ago", and so Jim resumed watch. Then he saw another light and ran to tell the captain but was again told by the captain that he had seen the light half an hour ago.

The third time the lad ran to report a light the captain was perplexed. "What light was that; I didn't see it", and the lad retorted, "Daylight; and I bet you didn't see that half an hour ago!".

[Segilla]

On more than one occasion a fiver or tenner. carelessly tucked into my shirt pocket has been in the washing machine - and come to no harm.

[Edgy 2]

Yes,I’m working from home today

[MrGongGong]

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you've got syphilis, when it's penicillin.

(stolen from Phil Hammond)

[Serial_Apologist]

On the lunchtime news it was announced that the BBC will be broadcasting a virtual church service on this coming Sunday.

[Padraig]

The chairman of the local Dyslexia Association on being awarded an OBE said, 'Unfortunately, I don't know how to play it.'

[LMcD]

French supermarkets look like a bomb site. The only thing left is de brie.
Greece supermarkets are running low on hummus and taramasalata, leading to fears of a double-dip recession.

[LeMartinPecheur]