Current favourite jokes

[johncorrigan]

I notice in the paper today that Elon Musk and Bill Gates have got together to try to produce a new improved version of Viagra. Seems they're calling it 'Elongates'.

[ahinton]

I'll leave this here

That's just too good to be a joke - and rather better than its composer's earlier "Trump is a wanker" one; I hope that it gets sent to BoJo if it's not already been so!

[ahinton]

I notice in the paper today that Elon Musk and Bill Gates have got together to try to produce a new improved version of Viagra. Seems they're calling it 'Elongates'.

!!!

[Vox Humana]

That's just too good to be a joke - and rather better than its composer's earlier "Trump is a wanker" one

Maybe, but the strettos in the Trump fugue included inversions of the subject.

[Flay]

I was having severe headaches which had gone on for years. Eventually I went to see the doctor. He said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates a severe headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. But the headaches were so severe that I had no choice but to go under the knife.

When I left the hospital it was incredible, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years. As I walked down the street, I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. But how would I do this? Then I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit..."

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."

I laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

I tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.

As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

I tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 38."

I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache...




p.s. Please don't question me for an anatomical explanation

[Stanfordian]

I heard someone today say that they had decided to have a 'humourist' funeral but meant 'humanist'. How's that for a malapropism!

As we are in West Lancashire, near Blackpool I had visions of Jimmy Tarbuck, Bobby Ball and Chubby Brown all giving a side-splitting eulogy at the graveside.

[Edgy 2]

[Edgy 2]

[Bryn]

[gurnemanz]

Thanks, Bryn. Several things have cheered me up today in my post-electoral dejection. The above pic and your petition link on the Fun Games thread, along with my visit to Elisabeth Kulman's marvellous lunchtime recital at Wigmore and Wilf Zaha's wondrous equalizing goal v Brighton this evening.

[Bryn]

Thanks, Bryn. Several things have cheered me up today in my post-electoral dejection. The above pic and your petition link on the Fun Games thread, along with my visit to Elisabeth Kulman's marvellous lunchtime recital at Wigmore and Wilf Zaha's wondrous equalizing goal v Brighton this evening.

Thanks truly due to my dear fellow student friend from my Middlesex Poly days, Tamzin Berry, who posted it in her FB page.

[Boilk]

(from 2011)

[Serial_Apologist]

Wonderful Christmas card adaptations, and I'm willing to bet no retailer would dare put them on sale in this day and age, for fear of offending!

[johncorrigan]

Vic and Bob last night.
Vic: Bob! Bob! My Uncle just had a baby.
Bob: Did he, Vic?
Vic: Yeah! He asked me if I wanted to wind it, and I said, 'Can I not just give it a dead leg instead?'

[LezLee]

Now we've lost Clive James and Jonathan Miller, we need to find an eternal life pill for Vic and Bob and Alan Bennett.