Current favourite jokes

[gurnemanz]

A woman who had just reached her 100th birthday was asked about the secret to long life.
She replied: That time I didn't get on the Titanic.

[Dave2002]

A young woman asked her very old grandfather for his secret for a long life. "Well," he said, " Sprinkle a little bit of gunpowder on your porridge every morning." She followed his advice and she died at the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 9 children, 21 grandchildren, 36 great grandchildren, 48 great great grandchildren - and a 40 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Love it - though far fetched!

[Serial_Apologist]

Love it - though far fetched!

Indeed - blown out of all proportion.

[Serial_Apologist]

"Kinleigh, Folkard & Hayward?"

"Sorry?"

"Kinleigh, Folkard &..."

"Not really, and in any case, not for a very long time now"

"Sorry? You were enquiring about estate agents!"

"Oh, I thought you were pretending to be Scottish!"

(Inspired by a sign outside a house on the way home just now).

[Bryn]

Today's research announcement re. red meat and bacon put me in mind of a prank I think may have related somewhere in this forum previously. Back in my early twenties I was working at the Centre for Overseas Pest Research (formerly the Anti-Locust Research Centre, but then we started working on army-worm and kwelia too). Anyway, we occasionally took the opportunity of a birthday to adjourn for lunch to a local hostelry. Said hostelry served toasted sandwiches. One of our number had a bit of a reputation as a hypochondriac (even though he was not French). He ordered a toasted cheese and ham sandwich. As he took the first bite, another colleague took it a her cue to relate a recent article she had read concerning the potentially carcinogenic interaction of the nitrites in ham and the amines in cheese when heated together. Just the one bite was taken out of that sandwich. A good chuckle was enjoyed by the rest of the company.

[DracoM]

Ah, but who finished the sandwich?

[Bryn]

Ah, but who finished the sandwich?

Probably rats, this being before urban foxes became as common as they now are.

[LMcD]

Overheard outside a Dorset church:
'I think Hardy's buried somewhere around here'
'That's odd - Laurel's buried in Ulverston'.

[Serial_Apologist]

Overheard outside a Dorset church:
'I think Hardy's buried somewhere around here'
'That's odd - Laurel's buried in Ulverston'.

That should be declared a Hardy perennial!

(One r two n's - I had to check )

[LeMartinPecheur]

(One r two n's - I had to check )

If it helps, it's from the same Latin root as annual, so per (through) the year(s). So of plants, stays alive every damn year

[johncorrigan]

In other news, I notice that Greggs is bracing itself for a no-deal Brexit by stockpiling pork for its sausage rolls. They have warned their customers to prepare for the wurst.

[oddoneout]

In other news, I notice that Greggs is bracing itself for a no-deal Brexit by stockpiling pork for its sausage rolls. They have warned their customers to prepare for the wurst.

And in an updated 'whistle while you work' they are bringing home the bacon to a tuna day.

[Vox Humana]

I'm a bit worried that the vicar at our local church doesn't care about nature. He keeps going on about lettuce spray.

[LMcD]

In other news, I notice that Greggs is bracing itself for a no-deal Brexit by stockpiling pork for its sausage rolls. They have warned their customers to prepare for the wurst.

I think this may have something to do with the new product which they're introducing for some of their more troublesome younger customers - the Bratwurst.

[Serial_Apologist]

I'm a bit worried that the vicar at our local church doesn't care about nature. He keeps going on about lettuce spray.

My father should have patented that one, when he was still living. (You can now tell where I got it from )