Current favourite jokes

[Demetrius]

Donald Duck would be a reasonable secret service code name for him.

[DracoM]

........or The Burger King?

[Serial_Apologist]

........or The Burger King?

Burger off, more like.

[Boilk]

Has he got any hair, or is he still Archiebald?

In honour of the new arrival, a local Tandoori had added a topical item to its starters menu: Archie Bahji.

[Serial_Apologist]

In honour of the new arrival, a local Tandoori had added a topical item to its starters menu: Archie Bahji.

Them bargees ain't ever done no good for no one.

[Nick Armstrong]

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

[Edgy 2]

Man walks into a cafe...
He says to the chef "can I have a full English..
But I want my beans cold on the top red hot in the middle and burnt on the bottom,
I want my bacon so well done that when I stick my fork in it it bounces around the room,
I want my eggs burnt to a crisp on the bottom but cold and slimy on the top,
I want my sausages cooked so when I cut them open it’s just a hollow skin....."
The chef says " hold on hold on ....
I ain’t got time to do all that !!!!"
The guys says "well you found time yesterday !!!!!!"

[Edgy 2]

Today I accidentally spilt Domestos down our local bobby's uniform.

I'm being charged with a bleach of the police.

[pastoralguy]

Man walks into a cafe...
He says to the chef "can I have a full English..
But I want my beans cold on the top red hot in the middle and burnt on the bottom,
I want my bacon so well done that when I stick my fork in it it bounces around the room,
I want my eggs burnt to a crisp on the bottom but cold and slimy on the top,
I want my sausages cooked so when I cut them open it’s just a hollow skin....."
The chef says " hold on hold on ....
I ain’t got time to do all that !!!!"
The guys says "well you found time yesterday !!!!!!"

A man books his tickets with a well known airline and says 'I'd like to go to Hong Kong but I'd like my luggage to go via Amsterdam, Berlin and Sydney'. ' I'm sorry', replied the agent. 'That's not possible'. 'Well you bloody well did it the last time I flew to Hong Kong!'

[Edgy 2]

I'm barred out of the local shop for shouting at the cashier, 'I'm sorry you're an ugly cow'
She started it though by saying to me, 'I'm sorry about your weight.'

[Serial_Apologist]

A man books his tickets with a well known airline and says 'I'd like to go to Hong Kong but I'd like my luggage to go via Amsterdam, Berlin and Sydney'. ' I'm sorry', replied the agent. 'That's not possible'. 'Well you bloody well did it the last time I flew to Hong Kong!'

Reminds me of the airline ad poster which stated "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New York!" - under which, someone has scrawled, "And baggage in Barbados".

[Richard Barrett]

Reminds me of the airline ad poster which stated "Breakfast in London, Lunch in New York!" - under which, someone has scrawled, "And baggage in Barbados".

So far in my life I've been lucky enough only to have had to cancel two gigs as a result of my gear not arriving. Oh, and having to carry a baby around for two days because the stroiler didn't arrive. And having to wear the same clothes for several days in (continued on p. 94)

[johncorrigan]

Frankie Boyle in great form on 'The News Quiz' tonight, recorded before today's news...'She has the authority of a 'Do Not Tumble Dry' label!'

[Richard Tarleton]

Currently enjoying Andrew Roberts's masterly biog of Napoleon - currently at the Retreat from Moscow. I love these two from the New Yorker. There are recurring themes in New Yorker cartoons, or drawings as they're called there - birds, banjos, Wagner....and this.



© The New Yorker



© The New Yorker

[DoctorT]

One of my favourite jokes of all time, can't remember where I saw it:

René Descartes and his missus were having a dinner party but had saved some small snacks for after midnight. At around 11.30pm, René spotted a waiter going round the guests with a tray of the snacks. He quickly scribbled a note which he dispatched to the waiter. It read:

"I think they're for 1am "

I’m pretty sure I heard Denis Nordern telling this on ‘My Word’ years ago